U Hve Gt 2 B Kding Meee

After so many dates and so many guys, it’s hard to not become a B-word about some things.  I’m still optimistic that someone’s out there for me, whether online or off, but my positive outlook doesn’t stop me from rolling my eyes, saying out loud to my computer, “Is this guy serious?” and then scrolling down further to see more of the carnage that is The Ridiculous Profile.  There have been many TRPs that I’ve come across.  Some guys write one sentence about themselves.  Other guys, it’s hard to explain, but their profile just annoys me.  They seem to be something they’re not—it’s like an inauthentic profile.  I just came across this gem and had to share it because well, it’s hysterical.  It’s also kind of sad and makes me hate my life a little because what I haven’t copied from his profile is his education and salary.  I’ll tell you right here.  He has a high school diploma (and that’s as high as it goes) and he makes at least $100,000.  I, after 5 years of college, have a bachelors, masters, and an endorsement to teach algebra, and I make a whopping $50,000.  Hmm, maybe I should’ve passed on extending my education and learned 2 type lke this awsum guy frm NY. And FL. And now MD.  Here’s his TRP…

NY 2 FL 2 MD so help meee... find my wifey.. (this was his headline, a real lady magnet, I know)

I am best described as Black N White, NO shades of Gray, u can expect me 2 be the same person all the time..... (ugh, really? I was hoping you’d be slightly different than this TMI guy you’ve presented here.)

I moved to Maryland from Florida with my x and it didnt work out so we seperated, i really dread going out 2 bars n clubs, sometimes you get lucky and meet good people but thats not often. i much rather do something social with a grl im seeing. i can be spontaneous and still have the ability to think a plan through. (are you sure you can plan? You can’t seem to find the Shift button to capitalize the beginnings of your sentences.  I’m slightly worried about your other abilities.)

i really enjoy showing people where im from and what im about. everything from my culture and my city i was born and raised in... still havent embraced Maryland as my home but it will grow on me...NY is so much more than a city or a state, its a state of mind...im a cancer so i can be sensative at times (uh oh, sensitive…I hope he doesn’t read this ever because he may have some issues then) but ill always listen... im super funny, sarcastic, stubborn with a twist (can be some what laid back, everyone should have their way once in awhile right? well maybe more than once ; ) )

Online dating is new to me but its worth a shot...if u find someone worth it

For Fun:

work...haaa...i go to the gym 6 days a week, dread cardio, but ooh well. deffinately go 2 as many games as possible, need 2 go when NY is in town. i like to drive up 2 ny as often as i can.

Favorite Hot Spots:

not sure yet,,,,, help pls. haa (How about a writing center? Or a school? Somewhere that you can learn to type correctly.)

Favorite Things:

all music but country,,, first 48,,,italian (i can cook it 2) well cause i am (omg, commas are not to be used as periods.   Learn the difference, fool!)

Last Read:

I read the news paper every day, from movies to books I hate fiction....thats y i read the news paper and watch stuff like 1st 48 and in session... (wow, looks like he finally realized he was hitting a wrong key.  I guess it was too much work to go back and edit his mistakes in the previous sections.)

Occupation:       Sales / Marketing            

                Im a internet manager at a car dlr ship, and it demands alot of my time, i have been in the industry for 13 yrs and i am sucessful enough and that opens doors for me 2 get away and leave early. id rather work then go 2 a bar tho. thats y im here... (mmm bars may not be so bad.  You might have more luck with spoken word rather than written word.)

Ethnicity:             White / Caucasian           

                100% Italian and can cook it. who wouldnt wanna have a guy cook 4 them? have a small but close family which is almost opposite in the Italian world... BIG famlies with alot of chaos. Still have a 3 bedroom hse with 2 friends in Florida that i visit (hse…house, right? This reminds me of some of my spelling-challenged students who write only the sounds or letters they hear.  I guess this guy’s one up on them because he put the “e” on the end. Awesome.)

Cracking codes is fun and all, but not when I’m reading a dating profile.  It’s profiles like this that tempt me to email them and tell them that they are an idiot if they think a girl will respond positively when they have something written as they do.  My only fear is that they will tell me that they have actually gone out on dates with girls they’ve met from match.  I guess I may be looking for someone who believes in usage of all letters on the keyboard, but there are other girls who enjoy deciphering emails.  TRPs annoyingly take up good online dating space, but there’s no filter on match for these so that’s why it’s important not to just look at the pictures but to recognize a TRP and stay away!

Man Overboard

When I checked in last, Brandon was about to head out to sea, thinking that I was his girlfriend.  I was upfront and honest and told him I didn’t feel ready for that commitment to him yet.  Well, he went sailing anyway and got tossed into the ocean—by me, the big, giant wave that you can see coming.  Instead of hiding down in the cabin, he was standing out front steering his ship into paradise and the wave just came and smacked him off his boat.  All right, enough of this ship and ocean metaphor.  Basically, I didn’t like him enough to date him, and especially to be serious with him.  The actual break-up was slightly tragic…we were talking on the phone and it just kinda came up.  I didn’t intend for it to happen at that point, but when it started I knew I had to keep going.  I was genuinely sad because he’s a good guy, but it just didn’t feel right.  He was upset.  Really upset.  He didn’t want this to happen at all, but before we hung up we said we’d talk again. 

A few days later I went to his apartment—I always hated when guys stopped talking to me without any explanation, and I knew Brandon was still not really sure why it was happening.  I didn’t want him to wonder so I figured we better get it all out there.  We went for a walk around his complex and rehashed everything, but with a clearer frame of mind.  I repeated my hesitation from before, trying to show him that he shouldn’t have been totally shocked by this.  He wanted to know more.  So I told him more.  As gently as I could, I said I didn’t feel any physical attraction between us (of course this was prefaced with many compliments about how he’s a good guy, although I’m not sure that helped to soften the blow at all).  I’ve been told the truth and I’ve been told absolutely nothing, and the truth is much easier to handle and get over than not knowing anything about why someone doesn’t want to be with you anymore.  

The rest of our talk went as it would—he respected that I told him how I felt and that certain feelings were missing, but he also asked if maybe I was rushing it—that I didn’t give him or “us” enough time.  No, I’m pretty sure I know how I should feel…I’ve felt it before and I’ll feel it again, and the time that it’s a mutual feeling will be the time that it lasts.  I was relieved with how everything turned out and that I wasn’t getting further trapped on a boat I didn’t want to be on.  Poor Brandon, though.  I hope he’s got a good floaty device.

Relationship Has Sailed

Birthdays are supposed to be fun, and they usually are fun unless you are celebrating for a guy you’ve only dated for a month and you’re meeting all of his friends for the first time.  And so a couple weekends ago I was on my way with Brandon to have dinner and drinks in honor of his 26^th.  The night was fine.  I didn’t feel like I “clicked” with any of his friends or any of their girlfriends which was slightly upsetting.  Friends are like the family—you definitely want to connect with someone in the entourage.  Throughout the night I kept seeing the other couples being all cute and smiling at each other and being touchy.  And then there was me and Brandon.  I had no desire to do any of those things or to be that way with him.  That’s not good, right?  Overall the night was fine.  I think in my heart I know that Brandon isn’t it, but I feel like I need to give it more time, at least until we reach 6 weeks because by then, really, I will know for sure.

A day or two after his birthday, we had one of our usual phone conversations except for one thing: he brought up “us.”  Blah.  I’ve been dreading this because I knew I saw it as him and me and he saw it as us.  He started by saying one of his friends asked if we were exclusive.  We’re both not dating others so in that way, yes, I guess we are.  Brandon wants to say that we are in a relationship.  I want to say we are dating.  I know, stupid semantics, and what does it all matter anyway?  Well, to me it matters.  A lot.  I can sense I’m about to jump ship and it’s easier to do when you’re not connected to anyone.  Hmm, well, unless they were some type of rescue person then I’d definitely want to be connected to them, but regardless of this ridiculous metaphor, I don’t want that much commitment with him at this point.  He left the conversation with, “Well, call it what you want, I’m saying we’re in a relationship.”  That’s great for you, Brandon, I’ll wave to you from land.