Identity Crisis

It’s been quite a while since I started dabbling in online dating with the persona of KpSmyln. As you all know, I did have some measureable amount of success, but mostly a large amount of measureable failure. During my time with Jeremy, a close friend of mine inquired a couple times about setting me up with a friend of her boyfriend’s. Say what? Meeting someone from other actual people instead of my SONY computer? I’m not sure about this. When she asked me to meet the guy, I had an easy out while dating Jeremy because as much as he…yeah, I’ll say it…as much as he sucked at life, I was still with him and was trying to make it work. When that whole thing ended non-tragically, I gave my friend the green light to help me meet my first, err maybe third, real life match!

And then it happened. I went out the night before our group date and I met someone. IN real life. He was a youngin’ military boy, about 22 years old. I liked that he wasn’t drunk. He was relaxed, walked up to me, and told me he thought I was beautiful. Then he walked away. Wha, where’d he go?? That boy is good because he got my attention. The place we were at was really big and spread out so when we kept running into each other, you know it was fate. We ended up going out the next day where I learned that he has a rough past. He cleans up nicely, but he’s got a tough attitude since he’s been through some stuff. Anyway, despite all this, he was such a nice, good guy, and he was easy to get along with…you know, in those eight hours that I knew him. I actually kinda liked him, but I had to go to my next meeting of a boy from real life.

Our double “date” was happening at Tysons Mall since it was most conducive to where we all were. I was introduced to Richard. He was cute, a little more pretty boy than I like, but very very friendly. I could’ve sworn he looked familiar. His name stood out to me because I hadn’t met many of them in my life. I eavesdropped on Richard’s conversation with his friend, and a couple key things clicked that I knew I had heard before. Then, I was told his last name and I knew it. I had met Richard before. We met five years ago at a bar, and we had even exchanged numbers. Back then, I was just learning how life worked, let alone boy/girl interactions, so I actually made the effort to get in touch with him, and he was quite dismissive back then. 

On our now date, I waited for the perfect time to say, “So, Richard, we met five years ago at a bar.” He started laughing and said, “I knew you looked familiar!” Even better proof of our previous encounter, he still had my number in his phone. Maybe it’s time to hang up my online dating uniform and go back to how God intended things to be: Get set up with a bar guy from years ago who was uninterested and now has to go out with you because you have mutual friends. Yeah. That sounds like a good plan.

Dear Santa

All I Want For Christmas…Is for match.com to adhere to my wishlist.

1. As I’ve made known, I don’t like driving into DC or Maryland, and it just so happens that both of these places fall right into my search radius. Maryland…you may be just a few miles away but I’d have an easier time traveling across the country than getting to my date across the Potomac. Please, match, do something techie so I can exclude certain areas from my search zone.

2. I’m a stalker. But I don’t want the guys to know I’m a stalker. I would like to save someone’s profile for easy viewing access, but your only current option is to mark them as a Favorite. That person KNOWS that I have Favorited them. I’m rather private when it comes to my stalking so I’d prefer that I obsess over their profile secretly. This will also make it easier to save the profiles on match instead of in Word documents that I get confused. This is kind of like having an internet history, but instead it’s a potential match history.

3. I hate the jerks who have expired subscriptions, but they keep their profiles visible. Why do you do this to us poor souls who are still searching? This does nothing but clog the search results, and if you’re a “good” one, you get my hopes up only to be disappointed when I find out you’re unreachable. Match, please make a way that people who are inactive after 3 weeks will have profiles automatically hidden. There’s no time for fake outs when you’re lookin’ for love!

4. It’s no secret that I’ve been on match for a bazillion years. What is secret, apparently, is who I have possibly viewed, winked at, or emailed in the past. Match, why must you delete my communication history? Please keep my history forever and ever because I will most likely be back on your site, and I can’t remember which guys I’ve already harassed. I mean winked at. Many of us on your site are repeat offenders, and after so long, my past communication is a little hazy. Did I wink at him? Did we email at all? Did he message me? Did one of us ignore the other? This could be easily resolved if my communication history would never be wiped out.

So, you see, Santa, I could really use some help on this. I’ve invested a lot of time into using match’s website, and I think I have some good ideas here. If you could deliver them to the match headquarters for Christmas, I will love you forever. Well, I kind of know you don’t exist so I don’t know if it’s possible to love you…but I will leave you some milk and cookies.

Hitched

No, not me. But apparently everyone else who signs up for online dating is! My sister has taken to calling me “Hitch,” referring to Will Smith’s movie where he helps men “meet” women. Will Smith, Hitch, can’t find love himself but he is able to play cupid for everyone else. Enter me. I’ve encouraged and advertised match.com to friends and acquaintances, and many of them have found love. What’s more of a kick in the pants is that they’ve found love quickly. I’m starting to think I should abandon my desire to find love and instead look toward becoming Hitch for the online world. I’ve already started dabbling in it by giving emailing directions to those poor souls who decided to write me a 2-4 word message. I could go back to them and say, “Hey, let’s find the type of girl that you have the best chance at meeting because it surely ain’t gonna be me.”

So, let’s see, I’d be Hitch + Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker (because she’s so fabulous and tells it like it is which is how I am) – the millionaires + online dating world = my best idea yet to become rich and famous!