Dear Santa

All I Want For Christmas…Is for match.com to adhere to my wishlist.

1. As I’ve made known, I don’t like driving into DC or Maryland, and it just so happens that both of these places fall right into my search radius. Maryland…you may be just a few miles away but I’d have an easier time traveling across the country than getting to my date across the Potomac. Please, match, do something techie so I can exclude certain areas from my search zone.

2. I’m a stalker. But I don’t want the guys to know I’m a stalker. I would like to save someone’s profile for easy viewing access, but your only current option is to mark them as a Favorite. That person KNOWS that I have Favorited them. I’m rather private when it comes to my stalking so I’d prefer that I obsess over their profile secretly. This will also make it easier to save the profiles on match instead of in Word documents that I get confused. This is kind of like having an internet history, but instead it’s a potential match history.

3. I hate the jerks who have expired subscriptions, but they keep their profiles visible. Why do you do this to us poor souls who are still searching? This does nothing but clog the search results, and if you’re a “good” one, you get my hopes up only to be disappointed when I find out you’re unreachable. Match, please make a way that people who are inactive after 3 weeks will have profiles automatically hidden. There’s no time for fake outs when you’re lookin’ for love!

4. It’s no secret that I’ve been on match for a bazillion years. What is secret, apparently, is who I have possibly viewed, winked at, or emailed in the past. Match, why must you delete my communication history? Please keep my history forever and ever because I will most likely be back on your site, and I can’t remember which guys I’ve already harassed. I mean winked at. Many of us on your site are repeat offenders, and after so long, my past communication is a little hazy. Did I wink at him? Did we email at all? Did he message me? Did one of us ignore the other? This could be easily resolved if my communication history would never be wiped out.

So, you see, Santa, I could really use some help on this. I’ve invested a lot of time into using match’s website, and I think I have some good ideas here. If you could deliver them to the match headquarters for Christmas, I will love you forever. Well, I kind of know you don’t exist so I don’t know if it’s possible to love you…but I will leave you some milk and cookies.