Sunday, August 19, 2012

It's You, Not Me

Okay, Greg and I never actually screamed at each other (well, not in person like this), but this is DEFINITELY how I felt when I was around him.

Clearly it has not been wedded bliss with Greg, but there I was, trying yet again to forge ahead with him. I made him a nice homecooked meal (+dessert!), and I thought it was a perfectly good evening. Could there still be a chance for Greg and I to work out? I’ve always thought and felt that when it’s the right person, I’ll just know, and that there will be a connection between us. With that said, I’ve also never been very successful with anyone and maybe that’s because of me. Maybe I’ve gotta get rid of this fairytale in my heart and realize that it won’t happen that way. Maybe I’ve been wrong all along, and love will take time to develop. Maybe it really is me. Orrrrr maybe it’s Greg. Reason for this thought? Because apparently it was awkward that, during dessert, we sat across the table from each other instead of next to each other. He told me his feelings about the dessert ‘awkwardness’ during his break up speech to me. Yes, you read correctly. HE broke up with ME.

He cited our differences in how we view situations—you know, I view them sanely and correctly, and he views them with some definite emotional distress. I was incredibly surprised that Greg ultimately stated, “I really just can’t get over what I said to you in those texts. I can’t forgive myself for it. I feel so bad that I said those things to you, I don’t know how I can recover and how we can move on.” Welp. Umm. For once I was speechless. He sounded so genuine that all I could say was, “I know things have been tough. I try to look to the future, and while I wonder what could happen between us, I won’t force you into something you don’t want.” And that was it. He was gone.

I should be relieved that Greg broke up with me (at least he mostly shouldered the blame for it not working out), and, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I can go back to being myself. My blunt-no filtered-joking around-self. However, I can’t help but notice that this is another fail. Greg actually wanted me. He wanted to give me the life I’ve always wanted. He was taking things seriously (eek! a little too seriously!) What does it say if I STILL can’t make it work with someone like that? It must be me.

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