Cat Got Your Manliness

As I sit behind my laptop, scrolling through hundreds of profiles, I’ve determined that I’m a bit of a loony when it comes to which guys I will give a chance. It’s a shame, but there are three things that are near non-negotiables for me—a guy who drives a Prius, a guy who has a cat, or a guy who has the grammar skills of a first grader. The Prius…okay, so you’re saving the world and your carbon footprint will be less than mine, but, you are also most likely a suck driver. Are you driving slowly so that we can all gawk in amazement at how wonderful you are for buying an environmentally friendly car? Well, your slowness is only giving me more time to play some sweet music for you on my horn. Go ahead, be environmentally friendly, but for me part of choosing a car is based on how the thing looks flying down the road, and really, the Prius just doesn’t do it. I’ll take a guy who drives a “gas guzzling road beast” as my BFF Mary once referred to them, over the awfully designed home for annoying drivers. Clearly, my frustration with Prius drivers in general hinders any chance of happiness I could potentially find with one.

Now, the cat thing. YOU ARE A MAN. Get a dog. A big dog. And name it Magruder or something masculine. I’ve been reading these profiles and laughing at the irony of guys who claim to be a “guys guy” but then in the pet section of their profile, I discover that they are daddy to a poodle or some of those other hamster dogs. Only worse than a hamster dog, is a cat. Generally speaking, I do think cats are pointless. They remind me of tree hopper animals, the way they can jump from place to place. It’s weird. They also just seem like a femmy animal the way they carry themselves like they're better than people. And since I don’t want to date a femmy guy, the cat is a big no-no for me. I’m pretty sure nothing would be worse than a Prius driver who owns a cat.

Actually, I guess the situation would be worse if that same guy didn’t know how to write correctly. My family knows that I’m a pretty decent grammar snob (thank you, Ms. Savage, freshman English), and I’ll cut you some slack if you mix up a “there” and “their” one time. But if you start throwing around the apostrophe, WRITE IN ALL CAPS, have more than three spelling mistakes, have a three paragraph run-on sentence, or generally look like something one of my 3rd grade students would write, then I’m not so sure we should speak. My grammar policing isn’t just limited to profiles. Oh no, my friends. I take it all the way to their emails, too. If I have to reread an email to make it feel like a coherent piece of writing, then again, not gonna work. Maybe some of the grammar or spelling oopsies are happening because someone is rushing, and so I ask, why is he rushing? Too many girls to write to? A video game to get back to playing? Whatever the reason, these guys (and maybe the girls, too) need to slow down, reread, and gosh darnit, type your stuff in Word first and use the spell check! With online dating, what we read is the first impression, and too many of these guys make me want to edit their writing and email it to them.

The more I read, the more annoyed I become with certain things so I’m sure, soon enough, my list of three will grow to more.