Man Overboard

When I checked in last, Brandon was about to head out to sea, thinking that I was his girlfriend.  I was upfront and honest and told him I didn’t feel ready for that commitment to him yet.  Well, he went sailing anyway and got tossed into the ocean—by me, the big, giant wave that you can see coming.  Instead of hiding down in the cabin, he was standing out front steering his ship into paradise and the wave just came and smacked him off his boat.  All right, enough of this ship and ocean metaphor.  Basically, I didn’t like him enough to date him, and especially to be serious with him.  The actual break-up was slightly tragic…we were talking on the phone and it just kinda came up.  I didn’t intend for it to happen at that point, but when it started I knew I had to keep going.  I was genuinely sad because he’s a good guy, but it just didn’t feel right.  He was upset.  Really upset.  He didn’t want this to happen at all, but before we hung up we said we’d talk again. 

A few days later I went to his apartment—I always hated when guys stopped talking to me without any explanation, and I knew Brandon was still not really sure why it was happening.  I didn’t want him to wonder so I figured we better get it all out there.  We went for a walk around his complex and rehashed everything, but with a clearer frame of mind.  I repeated my hesitation from before, trying to show him that he shouldn’t have been totally shocked by this.  He wanted to know more.  So I told him more.  As gently as I could, I said I didn’t feel any physical attraction between us (of course this was prefaced with many compliments about how he’s a good guy, although I’m not sure that helped to soften the blow at all).  I’ve been told the truth and I’ve been told absolutely nothing, and the truth is much easier to handle and get over than not knowing anything about why someone doesn’t want to be with you anymore.  

The rest of our talk went as it would—he respected that I told him how I felt and that certain feelings were missing, but he also asked if maybe I was rushing it—that I didn’t give him or “us” enough time.  No, I’m pretty sure I know how I should feel…I’ve felt it before and I’ll feel it again, and the time that it’s a mutual feeling will be the time that it lasts.  I was relieved with how everything turned out and that I wasn’t getting further trapped on a boat I didn’t want to be on.  Poor Brandon, though.  I hope he’s got a good floaty device.

Relationship Has Sailed

Birthdays are supposed to be fun, and they usually are fun unless you are celebrating for a guy you’ve only dated for a month and you’re meeting all of his friends for the first time.  And so a couple weekends ago I was on my way with Brandon to have dinner and drinks in honor of his 26^th.  The night was fine.  I didn’t feel like I “clicked” with any of his friends or any of their girlfriends which was slightly upsetting.  Friends are like the family—you definitely want to connect with someone in the entourage.  Throughout the night I kept seeing the other couples being all cute and smiling at each other and being touchy.  And then there was me and Brandon.  I had no desire to do any of those things or to be that way with him.  That’s not good, right?  Overall the night was fine.  I think in my heart I know that Brandon isn’t it, but I feel like I need to give it more time, at least until we reach 6 weeks because by then, really, I will know for sure.

A day or two after his birthday, we had one of our usual phone conversations except for one thing: he brought up “us.”  Blah.  I’ve been dreading this because I knew I saw it as him and me and he saw it as us.  He started by saying one of his friends asked if we were exclusive.  We’re both not dating others so in that way, yes, I guess we are.  Brandon wants to say that we are in a relationship.  I want to say we are dating.  I know, stupid semantics, and what does it all matter anyway?  Well, to me it matters.  A lot.  I can sense I’m about to jump ship and it’s easier to do when you’re not connected to anyone.  Hmm, well, unless they were some type of rescue person then I’d definitely want to be connected to them, but regardless of this ridiculous metaphor, I don’t want that much commitment with him at this point.  He left the conversation with, “Well, call it what you want, I’m saying we’re in a relationship.”  That’s great for you, Brandon, I’ll wave to you from land.

Plus One Problem

I love to laugh, especially at live comedy shows. Brandon learned this early and made a tactical move to gain himself some points—he got us tickets to a stand-up comedy show. We had a lot of fun, and I was thinking that maybe I was making some progress with my thinking…physically I may not be into him, but he was someone with a whole buncha other great qualities. I’ve always been a believer in the idea that when you really like/love someone, you just know it. There’s not even necessarily reasons 1, 2, and 3 as to why you love them, you just do and you can’t even explain it. I also believe this feeling will come out within the first 6-8 weeks of knowing someone. It’s been almost a month with Brandon and there’s nada so without that feeling, I’m not trying to rush into any commitment right away. We’re both not dating others, but it’s easier to leave if you’re dating/seeing how things might go instead of being super stuck to each other.

Well, on the way home from the comedy show, Brandon revealed his thoughts on “us” in an indirect way. He told me that one of his best friends is getting married next week. And he’s allowed to bring a plus one. And he wants that plus one to be me. Ummm. Hmmm. My hand made its way to the door handle of the car. It was late at night. There weren’t many cars on the road. Brandon wasn’t driving very fast. I could make it out, tuck and roll, and get out of this situation. I’m no stunt woman and I’m scared of anything remotely dangerous so thank goodness Brandon continued speaking and said, “Even though you would be the one I would ask to come, I’m not going to because I have to leave for it on Friday and I know you won’t take off work. Plus, I know it’s also still early with us.” Phewwww. The other side of this situation is that if it had been a guy I was really falling for who was asking me to a wedding, I would’ve happily said yes. But it’s not a guy that I’m falling for. And that, my friends, is a problem.