It's You, Not Me

Okay, Greg and I never actually screamed at each other (well, not in person like this), but this is DEFINITELY how I felt when I was around him.

Clearly it has not been wedded bliss with Greg, but there I was, trying yet again to forge ahead with him. I made him a nice homecooked meal (+dessert!), and I thought it was a perfectly good evening. Could there still be a chance for Greg and I to work out? I’ve always thought and felt that when it’s the right person, I’ll just know, and that there will be a connection between us. With that said, I’ve also never been very successful with anyone and maybe that’s because of me. Maybe I’ve gotta get rid of this fairytale in my heart and realize that it won’t happen that way. Maybe I’ve been wrong all along, and love will take time to develop. Maybe it really is me. Orrrrr maybe it’s Greg. Reason for this thought? Because apparently it was awkward that, during dessert, we sat across the table from each other instead of next to each other. He told me his feelings about the dessert ‘awkwardness’ during his break up speech to me. Yes, you read correctly. HE broke up with ME.

He cited our differences in how we view situations—you know, I view them sanely and correctly, and he views them with some definite emotional distress. I was incredibly surprised that Greg ultimately stated, “I really just can’t get over what I said to you in those texts. I can’t forgive myself for it. I feel so bad that I said those things to you, I don’t know how I can recover and how we can move on.” Welp. Umm. For once I was speechless. He sounded so genuine that all I could say was, “I know things have been tough. I try to look to the future, and while I wonder what could happen between us, I won’t force you into something you don’t want.” And that was it. He was gone.

I should be relieved that Greg broke up with me (at least he mostly shouldered the blame for it not working out), and, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I can go back to being myself. My blunt-no filtered-joking around-self. However, I can’t help but notice that this is another fail. Greg actually wanted me. He wanted to give me the life I’ve always wanted. He was taking things seriously (eek! a little too seriously!) What does it say if I STILL can’t make it work with someone like that? It must be me.

Court Date

Last time Greg and I hung out, his most recent outrageous comment was, “I don’t think what I said to you is any worse than the things you have said to me.”  His rationale for this was that yes, he knowingly said hurtful things, but at least he knew they were hurtful. The things I say to him, you know, those really quite insignificant things that he keeps manipulating into whatever drama he wants them to be, are WORSE because I am not thinking about how he will interpret them and therefore I am a worse person because I am not thinking of him. Here’s the thing--I’ll kick your ass and I’m pretty sure there will be no misinterpretation on anyone’s part. I drilled my point to a certain degree because I knew he just wouldn’t see it, but I did make sure to tell him that he completely misreads everything so the only way for me to 'watch his feelings' I guess would be for me to not speak. And that just ain't gon' happen. I don’t intend harm when I say things, but he outright meant to hurt me during the texting war. I’m still not sure he understands what I’m saying.

How? How do I end up with these people? And why? Why do I continue to go out with them? Oh yeah, for the stories. Read on…

To help ease the crazy amount of tension forming between Greg and I, my peace-making gesture was to treat him to a movie. I chose a comedy—since apparently I can’t make him laugh, maybe the guys in the movie will be able to. All was good, and it was great to have a calm evening for once. I guess because I wasn’t talking and so he had nothing to cry about? That was mean, I’m sorry. Actually, no, no I’m not. He deserved it. Anyway, regardless of why it was a nice time, I’ll take it. I even made a good effort to hold his hands and all that other nonsense. It didn’t feel forced which is a step in the positive direction. AND he even laughed! Again, not at my hilarious comments, but at least I know he does have a sense of humor buried somewhere in there.

When the movie ended, Greg and I ended up outside the theater in the town center, pondering what to do next. He asked if I wanted to go back to his house, but I was tired. Well, first honestly: I was getting a little tired of the drive over there. Second honestly: I felt like I had been doing a lot to smooth things over from his tantrum, and I don’t think he was doing enough so why should I cater to him? Third honestly: The movie was good, the night was fine, time to go home. Well, FINALLY Greg interpreted something correctly. He said, “It doesn’t seem like you’re okay from what happened.” Good job, Greggy! Took ya long enough! I told him, “I’m still trying to move on from the things that you said and time will really be helpful here.” The conversation went on a bit longer, but voices were calm, tones were friendly, and I even kept my Italian-flailing hands at rest.

A kiss good-bye and I was on my way home. He does have a lot of great qualities, and I really like that he’s looking toward the future (in terms of having a family) which is unlike pretty much every other male creature in the DC area. He’s a hard worker, has a nice group of friends, close with his siblings, outgoing, masculine (minus the whole crying and can’t-take-a joke-thing), and I think he does have a good heart, it’s just a little messed up at times. When I arrived home, I saw this text: “I thought things were going fine tonight at the movies, but then we were standing there outside the theater arguing. And then it ended awkwardly.”

Oh, s*** Greg. You need some help.

Beauty and the Beast

Well, now I’m glad I brought Greg pizza and apple pie, and I hope I made him fat! These are not the words of a sweet girl, dating the guy of her dreams. These are the words of a frustrated girl who sat through a tirade of assaults and who now wishes weight gain upon her assaulterer as revenge. This is what went down: I took a couple nights to visit with friends, and then on the day that I was supposed to see Greg, I got sick. Once I started teaching after college, my immune system has grown to hate me so this isn’t unusual, especially after coming off of a trip. After apologizing and telling him I needed to get better, the beast was unleashed. His beast, not mine. I remained a beauty. Oh, and true to the story of my life, this whole debacle begins through text messages (*&#$^@*)  

Greg’s claims are that I’m spending all my time with my friends, I’m never with him, I’m not affectionate, (geeze, is this topic REALLY coming up again? Please refer to this post for a refresher of my past demons) we have to do everything how I want, I’m selfish, I say mean things to him, but really, in general terms, he flipped out. When I suggested that we talk this through on the phone or in person--I offered to drive out to him--instead of texting (@(*#&@) like 15 year olds (okay, I know I know, that EVERYONE texts now, but I still firmly believe a phone call is in order when there is a legit argument occurring between two adults) I was met with yet more backlash. My suggestion cultivated a response of, “We always have to do things on your terms!” My terms? Yeah, because my terms are that of a sane, responsible, non-dramatic adult and because my terms are awesome. They’re also unselfish and un-everything Greg said about them and me. Insert allusion to tears—on his end, not mine—and more insults—again, from his end, not mine. Honestly, I felt a little bit bad about myself after he said these things, but that feeling quickly dissipated when I realized that he’s crazy and makes no sense.

After a couple hours of texting, (!@^*&^@#) he extended the invite for me to go over to talk in person. Yes, he behaved like a jerk, and yes, he should be the one kissing my ass to make up for it, but we all have our moments, and I much prefer to know that I put in every effort to make something work until I know it’s totally done. Not many words were spoken when I went over…I didn’t want to rehash everything that had just been said, but I tried to make my points again, and mostly focused on the fact that he is twisting what I say and that he is a bit needier than what I feel like I can handle (I did use nicer words than this, I’m not a total jerk).

He seemed to understand that I’m not out to get him, and he started to make a good turn around until he said: “I don’t think what I said to you is any worse than the things you have said to me.”  Ohhhh sweet child, I’ll see you in court.

Apple of My Pizza Pie

While I was away on my trip, I missed Greg’s birthday so I made it up to him a couple days ago. Seeee? I can still be nice even after he has been twisting my words. He’d been working hard on a diet/lifestyle change so what better way to encourage him than to bring him a pizza and some homemade apple pie?! I swear I’m not sabotaging him…We had talked about pizza way before, and I was raving about how there are no good pizza places in our area except for Joe’s in Vienna (and now I have discovered Piero’s—locations in Herndon and Fairfax and their pizza is wood-fired!). Hence, my genius idea to bring him a few slices to test out. Apple pie is one of his favorites, AND I can show him my domestic side. All was calm when I was there—no accusations were tossed from his mouth so that always makes for a successful day.

I’m not feeling particularly close to him, though. Maybe it’s because I’m walking around on egg shells, second guessing everything I’m saying, or speaking in a delay so I can run through my thoughts before I say them. There’s just one teensy weensy problem with this—it’s not my personality at all--I never think about what I say! To make it worse, he doesn’t find me funny. Dude, I’m gonna make fun of you and I expect you to make fun of me. If you’re going to cry about it (literally, he has cried, not in front of me, but he’s alluded to it) then this is definitely not going to work. I will be clear, though, that he truly does misinterpret things that I say, and he will find a way that I have offended him. Greg, I’m pretty clever. If I want to offend you, I will, and you won’t have to make up anything in your head.

Since I’m not feeling close to him, I’m not wanting to spend so much time with him which is apparently another problem. Geeze, now I know how guys feel. Sorry, men! I completely understand how much crap you guys put up with from girls! It feels like I can’t do anything right and we have to accommodate him all the time. Well, I have friends to visit with and he will have to deal with not seeing me every night this week. I do like that he wants a family, and he doesn’t want it “someday” as so many guys in this area feel, but he wants it definitely and soon. He wants a nice home, a mom for his kids, and he likes the idea of stepping farther away from these crowded suburbs. He’s a guy’s guy who actually wants to be loved. I’m just not sure that I’m the one to love him.

Twist and Shout

Time got away from me—I had a trip out west that crept up on me, and I didn’t get to update about Greg before I left. So, I did meet his good friend, Jim, and Jim’s girlfriend. We met up for happy hour drinks and then dinner. Everything was fine, and I really liked the girlfriend—we got along well and were able to converse on our own while the boys had their convos. After dinner we walked around the town center and stumbled upon some delicious cupcakes. Well, I thought they were delicious until I touched one and felt what I thought was UNbaked sweetness. You know something is wrong with the dessert when I won’t eat it. Call me crazy, but I would like my cupcake to hold its form instead of being a spread. We had gotten one cupcake to share because I was quite full from dinner, and Greg kindly ate the whole cupcake. I like a guy who can eat!

I thought the night was fine—Greg and I had a good time together as well as with his friends. All was well until Greg tells me, “Yeah, Jim says he can tell that we’re new together and it’s still kinda awkward. Because we don’t hold hands and stuff.” I’m sorry, are we 5? Jim, I think it’s kinda awkward that you’ve known your girlfriend for only a month and you’re already living with her. The only people I ever hold the hands of are the super cute kids in my class who grab on from time to time…or my drunk friends when we are out and we don’t want to get separated.

Instead of focusing on us not being “couply” in our (lack of) romantic actions, Jim should pay more attention to how his friend Greg has the knack to twist words and cry about everything I say, or actually DON’T say, for that matter. Perfect example: I had just gotten back from my trip and was very happy to be reunited with my doggy. I was hugging her and squeezing her and everything. I can’t help it. She’s like a baby and I’ve known her for some years now and I missed her. Realizing I had left out Greg from my hugfest, I told him, “Don’t worry, I’ll love on YOU like this later!” Cute, right? Flirty, right? Apparently not. Greg heard, “One day, if you’re lucky, I will love you like this.” I laughed. In his face. And said, “You are crazy, I NEVER said that and there were people there to witness what I really said.” Poor child doesn’t realize I’m actually a lawyer and not a teacher and he will never win. Hopefully he will relax a little after I’ve really kind of lashed back for his complete making-up-of-situations. 

And We're Dancing...Dancing In the Street

For the second date with Greg, I stepped out of the usual dinner/drinks and casually invited him to a friend’s block party—you know, a collective gathering of folks ranging from the types I attended in my JMU days (complete with drinks only and a smattering of police officers) to the family neighborhood get togethers which actually include food and young children. But this weekend I found myself and Greg en route to a young professionals blocks party, which fairly resembled a family block party, but this one had beer pong and flip cup!

The block party was a great way to spend the day and it was an added bonus to see Greg with others. We played beer pong together, he made fun of me, and then we danced. The dancing could go either way—it was a slow song so it could be read as super sweet and romantic or, being that it was the second date and I tend to swing hard on the lunacy pendulum, it can be seen as, “this is too much too soon, please don’t touch me!” or something like that. Unlike Jeremy, who stranded me at a wedding when I expressed concern over dancing, Greg remained calm and coaxed me into being the only two people to slow dance in the middle of the street while we were surrounded by loud dogs and even louder people. I hacked into my own brain and realized that if this were a scene from a movie, I’d probably be going, “I want a guy like that! Why don’t I have a guy like that?” Annndd here we are. So, I plastered a smile on my face and held onto his 6’2” frame.

The couple girls that I knew at the party absolutely loved Greg. He was clearly a social guy and when he walked into the room, or um in this case, street, you knew he was there. He had no shyness to him, and I worried he was climbing the border wall from “entertaining” to “obnoxious” but my friends assured me he was not “THAT guy” at the party. Phew!

Back In The Game

My online dating career had been put on hold while my first date with Richard (the friend of the boyfriend of my friend—this feels like 6 degrees of separation!) evolved into a semi-relationship for 4 months. The ending with Richard was a tough one, and I stayed away from any thoughts of guys or dating for months—until now. Nothing brings a good pick me up like getting tons of three word emails and winks from guys who are not at all who I want. I typed in a couple qualifiers and started browsing, but I wasn’t convinced to actually subscribe again.

And then I saw him. THAT’S the kind of guy I want. Dark hair, tall, bigger, All-American country-yet-living-in-suburbia kinda guy. Then I scrolled down through his profile and liked what I read. He doesn’t brag about the mountains he’s climbed or the hundreds of countries he’s visited—he’s normal. A normal guy with a good sense of humor. Before I knew it, I found myself subscribing to match. Again. Within a day, I had a phone call from Greg (MAJOR bonus points for the guy!) and our get together was planned!

We chose a sports bar type of location for the relaxed and fun atmosphere. This also led us to discover that my affinity for Boston fans had yet again proven itself. We had a great time—I think I might actually be getting better at this. Could it be true? Almost 4 years of online dating, and I can now pick out my match from thousands of profiles? There was a lot of promise with Greg, and before he had walked me back to my car, our second date was set.

Who Said Match Was Only For Dating?

Hello, friends! I have been away for far too long. Blogging gets kinda tough when you actually like the guy you’re dating and there’s nothing to make fun of or complain about. But, good news—hmm, maybe not so good news—Kpsmyln6 is ready to pounce again! Real life love did not work out. Surprised, right? I was, too. I’m still hurting from it, but that’s why the internet is armed with thousands of men who could potentially possibly slightly wanna meet me. And so I pull up the match.com webpage, but this time is different—I haven’t subscribed yet. I’m just looking, you know, doing a little window shopping. There are also some signals that I think I’m not quite ready to meet anyone or at least maybe not in this way. Here’s what happens when I browse through match:

1. Half of the profiles don’t even get fully read or viewed because EVERY SINGLE MALE apparently believes that using the phrase “partner in crime” is the key to getting the girl. Uhhh, no, dummies, it’s actually not. I don’t know who in internet dating started using it, but once boys started looking at other boys’ profiles, that baby just spread. Just as quickly as I will cut you from the lineup for having cats, I will leave you out for using that phrase.

2. There’s this fun new game I’ve created called, “Guess the Heights of Match.com Daters By Only Looking at their Main Profile Picture.” Okay, so I’m working on the title, but now you pretty much know all about the game. I have absolutely no factual information for making my height predictions and generally I’m wrong every single time, but it’s fun and challenges me to get a height correct for once!

3. Inevitably I end up in a self-debate about guys who have no qualifiers for their dates—meaning, they have “No Preference” marked for alllll of the qualifiers where you can have a preference. Examples of this are: education, height, body type, desire to have kids, etc. I always have to wonder…are these guys THAT open minded that they don’t care about certain things in their match or do they not care because they don’t care about taking it seriously? It’s always a little sketchy when “no preference” is selected except for an “athletic and toned” body. Umm, yeah, k, we all know what you’re after!

For now, I'll stay away from the subscribe button, but Lord knows I can't stay away from match!

Take That, Jeff Foxworthy & Your Lists!

You know you’ve been online dating for too long when…

1) You see/meet people in real life who you “know” from the online dating world

1a) When you see/meet these people in real life, you don’t know their real name, but you DO know their match name.

                    

2) You have learned which match guys are friends with each other because you recognize them in each other’s profile pictures.

            2a) You also see people you actually know in someone’s match pictures. Come on people! Protect yourselves! Crop your pictures and don’t include your name on your profile! (This one follows closely with 5, 5a, and 5b)

3) You think about things in real life and immediately associate it with a profile you’ve seen. For example: Recently, I was looking into things to do on my next road trip vacation. I came across something about white water rafting and thought, “Oh, (insert match name here) would love to come here and do this!”

4) You start to sift through profiles (of guys and girls) to see who you know who’s online dating.

            4a) You find that the almost-promising, slightly older guy is actually your high school guidance counselor.

5) You make the connection between people you see dating online and a trail of mutual facebook friends.

            5a) You then begin to believe you’d make a pretty darn good investigator with all this scoop you can find out from a couple profiles and pictures! Oh, yes, I’m lookin’ at you, Tom, who teaches at a local high school, is from upstate New York, loves football, but coaches track.

            5b) After that, you start to think you have gone crazy and should perhaps close your computer and put to rest the madness of online dating.

6) You search profiles not for a soul mate, but for hobby ideas, activities, and places to visit. These guys have got some good interests!

            6a) I may not have found love, but I’ve read new books, listened to new musicians, been to new bars, and discovered new places to travel.

Guided to Frustration

After I tested out my new site for online dating, I quickly learned that I was not a fan of it at all. The site has two different methods of communication. I believe they do this in an effort to help those who are socially awkward. How sweet. You choose which method you prefer: Guided or Open. One communication is normal—if you are sent a person you seem to like, then you can email them and sit and cross your fingers that they will email you back. Or, if you see a person you seem to like, you can send them 5 multiple choice questions to answer. Then they respond, and you send your questions. And then they respond, and they ask you something else stupid. And then you ask them something else stupid, and…oh, you get it. Here’s my favorite part of guided communication, though…The Essay. I promise you this is real. After you and your socially awkward counterpart have made it through 3 rounds of questioning (what is this, a police interrogation?!), you reach the final stage: Sending 3 “final” questions that are to be responded to in short answer style. Even better, is that there is a time limit. Talk about nerve racking. I quickly learned to type up my responses in a Word document so I could revisit it and make whatever changes, and then I copied and pasted it in the site box seconds before clicking send. And there it goes. Off into online space where it will never been responded to.

Throughout my 3 month subscription, I emailed with 3 people who were biologically supposed to be men, although their actions don’t support that. I put in so much effort to respond to their questions because they were too annoying to have Open communication, and since it wasn’t “my turn” I couldn’t freely email them. One guy and I were answering-questions-communicating, and it finally reached the email point. I had left for a 3 day trip. On the third day, he closed communication with me citing I “had taken too long to respond.” Ohhhhh k, buddy. I think I’ll take advantage of the feature where I can click a button that will send a response to him that said something like “Oh, that’s too bad, you should reconsider because I think we have potential.” Please, child, we didn’t really have potential, but I wanted him to open it back up so I could tell him how stupid he was for canceling me when I was traveling without internet access. Which is precisely what I proceeded to do. I had countless guys “close” communication with me—in midcommunication. Talk about rude.

I did finally coax a guy into giving me his digits, and when I called, I never heard back. I was always proud of my beautifully crafted “Final Round” responses, and it seemed ridiculous to me that I couldn’t just email normally, but instead I had to wait for an answer since it was the other person’s turn to communicate. We’re not 5 years old. We already know how to converse.

In the end, it was this hand holding that made me realize match was a much better fit for me. I could communicate openly. I wasn’t subjected to intense scrutiny over whether or not I will be a social butterfly in every single situation or if I will wait a few minutes to be introduced to people (that's just 1 of the multiple choice questions you can send to your potential soul mate). I came to peace with my wasted subscription when I knew that I would never like anyone who didn’t feel comfortable enough to have a simple conversation and making a decision from that. Like and love should be that—simple. 

Disharmony

Okay, confession. Awhile ago, I turned my back on match. I was seeing the same guys come up in my searches over and over and over again, and it seemed like many of them weren’t really wanting anything serious. Oh, and by seemed, I mean that they would explicitly say in their profiles “not looking for anything serious, let’s have fun and see what happens.” This reputation of non-seriousness has apparently become synonymous with match, but there are people like that in real life so it is what it is. Even if match isn’t based around compatibility criteria, there’s something to be said for reading someone’s profile and looking at their picture and just knowing that they’re The One—to wink at or email and cross your fingers that they actually respond, and then maybe, just maybe, a get together can be set. My attention and match-finding focus turned toward using a different online dating site that believes people will find love based on common qualities, values, and interests. That’s tough for those of us who are really not good people at our core, but at this point, I had nothing to lose. Except a ton of money and hours of question-answering.

I got roped into the 3 month minimum subscription for my new dating site with a payment that ended up being roughly $1, 253. I didn’t realize I was on Millionaire Matchmaker here, but maybe this stuff works. I sat down at my computer and answered every. single. question. as if I were taking a college final exam. Except this isn’t a college exam, this is supposed to be my gateway to finding love! There was no profile to create. There was no method of letting your personality come through. It was all very, well, computerized. Everyone answered the same mostly-multiple-choice questions and that constituted your profile. I wanted my match back, why did I ever leave? I was doubtful of this. I trust myself enough that I can follow my heart to a potential soulmate instead of following what a computer system tells me. Then again, I’m still single. So, that robot did beat those people on Jeopardy, right? Maybe the robot will also rock as Cupid? 

Identity Crisis

It’s been quite a while since I started dabbling in online dating with the persona of KpSmyln. As you all know, I did have some measureable amount of success, but mostly a large amount of measureable failure. During my time with Jeremy, a close friend of mine inquired a couple times about setting me up with a friend of her boyfriend’s. Say what? Meeting someone from other actual people instead of my SONY computer? I’m not sure about this. When she asked me to meet the guy, I had an easy out while dating Jeremy because as much as he…yeah, I’ll say it…as much as he sucked at life, I was still with him and was trying to make it work. When that whole thing ended non-tragically, I gave my friend the green light to help me meet my first, err maybe third, real life match!

And then it happened. I went out the night before our group date and I met someone. IN real life. He was a youngin’ military boy, about 22 years old. I liked that he wasn’t drunk. He was relaxed, walked up to me, and told me he thought I was beautiful. Then he walked away. Wha, where’d he go?? That boy is good because he got my attention. The place we were at was really big and spread out so when we kept running into each other, you know it was fate. We ended up going out the next day where I learned that he has a rough past. He cleans up nicely, but he’s got a tough attitude since he’s been through some stuff. Anyway, despite all this, he was such a nice, good guy, and he was easy to get along with…you know, in those eight hours that I knew him. I actually kinda liked him, but I had to go to my next meeting of a boy from real life.

Our double “date” was happening at Tysons Mall since it was most conducive to where we all were. I was introduced to Richard. He was cute, a little more pretty boy than I like, but very very friendly. I could’ve sworn he looked familiar. His name stood out to me because I hadn’t met many of them in my life. I eavesdropped on Richard’s conversation with his friend, and a couple key things clicked that I knew I had heard before. Then, I was told his last name and I knew it. I had met Richard before. We met five years ago at a bar, and we had even exchanged numbers. Back then, I was just learning how life worked, let alone boy/girl interactions, so I actually made the effort to get in touch with him, and he was quite dismissive back then. 

On our now date, I waited for the perfect time to say, “So, Richard, we met five years ago at a bar.” He started laughing and said, “I knew you looked familiar!” Even better proof of our previous encounter, he still had my number in his phone. Maybe it’s time to hang up my online dating uniform and go back to how God intended things to be: Get set up with a bar guy from years ago who was uninterested and now has to go out with you because you have mutual friends. Yeah. That sounds like a good plan.

Dear Santa

All I Want For Christmas…Is for match.com to adhere to my wishlist.

1. As I’ve made known, I don’t like driving into DC or Maryland, and it just so happens that both of these places fall right into my search radius. Maryland…you may be just a few miles away but I’d have an easier time traveling across the country than getting to my date across the Potomac. Please, match, do something techie so I can exclude certain areas from my search zone.

2. I’m a stalker. But I don’t want the guys to know I’m a stalker. I would like to save someone’s profile for easy viewing access, but your only current option is to mark them as a Favorite. That person KNOWS that I have Favorited them. I’m rather private when it comes to my stalking so I’d prefer that I obsess over their profile secretly. This will also make it easier to save the profiles on match instead of in Word documents that I get confused. This is kind of like having an internet history, but instead it’s a potential match history.

3. I hate the jerks who have expired subscriptions, but they keep their profiles visible. Why do you do this to us poor souls who are still searching? This does nothing but clog the search results, and if you’re a “good” one, you get my hopes up only to be disappointed when I find out you’re unreachable. Match, please make a way that people who are inactive after 3 weeks will have profiles automatically hidden. There’s no time for fake outs when you’re lookin’ for love!

4. It’s no secret that I’ve been on match for a bazillion years. What is secret, apparently, is who I have possibly viewed, winked at, or emailed in the past. Match, why must you delete my communication history? Please keep my history forever and ever because I will most likely be back on your site, and I can’t remember which guys I’ve already harassed. I mean winked at. Many of us on your site are repeat offenders, and after so long, my past communication is a little hazy. Did I wink at him? Did we email at all? Did he message me? Did one of us ignore the other? This could be easily resolved if my communication history would never be wiped out.

So, you see, Santa, I could really use some help on this. I’ve invested a lot of time into using match’s website, and I think I have some good ideas here. If you could deliver them to the match headquarters for Christmas, I will love you forever. Well, I kind of know you don’t exist so I don’t know if it’s possible to love you…but I will leave you some milk and cookies.

Hitched

No, not me. But apparently everyone else who signs up for online dating is! My sister has taken to calling me “Hitch,” referring to Will Smith’s movie where he helps men “meet” women. Will Smith, Hitch, can’t find love himself but he is able to play cupid for everyone else. Enter me. I’ve encouraged and advertised match.com to friends and acquaintances, and many of them have found love. What’s more of a kick in the pants is that they’ve found love quickly. I’m starting to think I should abandon my desire to find love and instead look toward becoming Hitch for the online world. I’ve already started dabbling in it by giving emailing directions to those poor souls who decided to write me a 2-4 word message. I could go back to them and say, “Hey, let’s find the type of girl that you have the best chance at meeting because it surely ain’t gonna be me.”

So, let’s see, I’d be Hitch + Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker (because she’s so fabulous and tells it like it is which is how I am) – the millionaires + online dating world = my best idea yet to become rich and famous!

I Respectfully Would Like to Tell You Off

            TRP alert!! I have found a good one (TRP=The Ridiculous Profile, for you newcomers to MissMatch)! He doesn't fall in the upper brackets of attractiveness, and I get the feeling that he is looking for a top model, mixed with a Playmate of the year, who has a little bit of adult shop fun in her, but it’s not like he’s holding up his end of the bargain. He doesn’t have looks going for him. Even worse, he doesn’t have personality or courtship going for him. I have highlighted the components of his profile that stand out as making the female reader go, “Ew, who is this guy?”

Warm and sensual looking for hottie with a warm heart and sweet face who loves a man who embraces his sensual/sexy side..Groomed, sensual, and sporty man looking for a lover and companion who is competent and able for the serious times of life while also being sexy, nurturing and open minded for the other times... Come have fun with me while we enjoy each other's hearts, minds and bodies ;)The contrast between me being a military officer and a singer tells it all. I am a respectful and capable leader by day while being sexy at night ;) I'd love to find a liberal beautiful partner who liked to mix a little naughty in between the wholesome stuff once in a while....

I am most attracted to a woman who is a competent individual splitting her time between her profession, her fitness, her friends and me! It is very important to me that the girl has some situational awareness and tact. After all, this woman will represent me and I her.

I want an equal. A woman who can walk into a room with grace and femininity while commanding respect is a wonderful thing. Sorry if I am coming off wrong it's just that I want to be clear that I am not looking for a little girl who I do everything for. I would like to find a robust and capable cookie! Cause that's what daddy likes :)

Oh and if you're sporty and in tune with your 'sensual' side all the better! Gym girls are hot!!

I've been to navy flight school, sailed on aircraft carriers, traveled to Kuwait, Bahrain, and Korea but am now in pursuit of becoming a nurse of anesthesia. So be sweet and cook once a week for me and maybe I'll put you to sleep one day ;)If you like a masculine boy by day who's a pretty boy at night, you'll like me!

Respectfully,

Joe

Pets:I have an adorable basset hound named Tiger who is quite the lover boy (Like his dad!)

For Fun:Anything involved in a sexy swimsuit for you and me and some fun in the sun :)

Movies, nice dinners and wholesome times with family mixed with some naughty times for us!

Favorite Hot Spots:Tropical sunny getaways or outdoor activities are what lure me. But snowboarding in the mountains then returning to our cozy cabin is very cool too.

Favorite Things:My hobby is singing anthems at stadiums as well as with a 50's Acappela quartet

Last Read:Mostly flip through computer gadget, electronic or fitness magazines.


His touch of adding “respectfully” just makes me roll my eyes and mutter “Ugh, dirtbag,” as I reread to highlight all of his “respectful” comments and items on his wish list of his um, soulmate? Maybe bedmate is more like it. Simply put, Joe is gross, and there are more “adult friendly” websites out there where he can achieve more of what he’s looking for. If any of my match friends should come across his profile, please let me know so I can give him some "gentle tips" on profile writing.

Can't Argue With Stupid, But I Tried Anyway

You’ve seen the typical email that lands in my inbox, and I’m sure the inbox of most girls on match. Who knows, this may even be how girls are toward guys, too. My friend right below baited me with, “How are you?” I responded with the same email that I sent to the other 11 guys: Hi, there, ~While I don’t know if you’ve been successful with your previous emails for online dating, I’d like to offer a simple suggestion for sending the initial email: Use your words to show the girl that you’ve read her profile. Find some common ground or ask her questions. Including your name would also be an important step. Good luck in your search!

Now comes our email exchanges…

Idiot:

You're kidding me right? Isn't that a little selfish? Little one sided maybe? Why should I spend a half hour or close to it trying to write a long interesting letter when I have no idea if you interested in me? I have a profile too. Its there for you to read. If after you read it and are interested and respond to my message; then I'll write a nice long letter.

Match.com expert (minus the fact that I haven’t found “love.” Minor detail.):

I don't think it's selfish at all. I do the same thing when I email a guy. It doesn't have to be long, and it shouldn't be long. Just a few sentences to show that you have an interest. Obviously you can continue as you would like!

Idiot:

A few short sentences? Then what's the difference? you'll still get the same few short sentences from every guy. There is only so many few short sentences that can be written about your profile. And since guys mostly find the same stuff interesting...or at least guys that find a girl interesting would probbaly be for the same reasons. You'll still get the same email over and over again

Match.com expert:

The messages are not the same--people share different interests, and personalities can come through more with a few sentences than a "hey." If you've been so successful with your method, then what's the big deal about what I said?

Again, do what you'd like, I was simply sharing what I've learned.

After all of this back and forth, he relented and realized that I wasn’t being nasty, I was really just trying to help a brotha out.

MissMatch Has Been Mismatched Too Many Times

It's been almost a week since the Jerm has been gone. I haven't started up with match because at this point, I'm kind of over it. Plus, a friend of mine is playing matchmaker and wants to set me up with a friend of hers. So, in the mean time, I will be blogging about whatever online dating topics come to mind. This may even lead to posts about dating in general. Also, if YOU have a fabulous online dating story please send it my way and I will gladly post it for you.


Today's entertainment comes from 11 gentlemen suitors who need a little help with the suiting part. And I'm not sure how gentlemanly they are either. Below you will find what appears in my inbox on match:
Hey, how's it going?              Hey gorgeous :)              i would like to get to know u                    
Hello Beautiful                       How are you?                 How are you ?
Hey, how's it going?              Hey cutiepie how are you?                 I'm Scott. How are you?
How are you? How's your week going?                     What's up sweetheart, how are you?


Well, what fun we had with that! I've been doing this match.com thing long enough that I usually ignore emails like that. Really, what do the guys expect? I can answer them with “fine”or "hi" or "really? why would you like to get to know me?" and then where does that leave us? I’m not here to be your pen pal, I’d like to meet you ASAP if I actually “like” you. The one liners are a waste of time, and telling me I’m pretty isn’t gonna get you far. Read my words and acknowledge them. Ok, so back to the joys of attempting to set these guys straight. I sent an email to each of them that said: Hi, there, ~While I don’t know if you’ve been successful with your previous emails for online dating, I’d like to offer a simple suggestion for sending the initial email: Use your words to show the girl that you’ve read her profile. Find some common ground or ask her questions. Including your name would also be an important step. Good luck in your search! 


I actually heard back from about half of them with many thanks and questions for more advice. They apologized, appreciated me taking the time to help them, and a couple of them even asked for guidance in building their profiles and crafting the first email. Do I sense a business venture coming up?     

A Marriage And A Divorce

Sweet Jesus that day has come! One of my best friends got married, and…wait for it…Jeremy and I are OVER! Wow, I’m really happy about that, aren’t I? Probably a sign that it should’ve been over long ago. I could sense the end was near, and his behavior throughout the wedding night really helped me know that I couldn’t stand to be with him any longer. So, we’ve well established that Jeremy is cheap, and in case I didn’t say it before, I actually told this to him, which resulted in him saying, “Don’t say that! My ex-girlfriend said that and my friends say that! I’m not cheap!” and then he hung up the phone. Okay, I’ll leave that one alone, you all can fill in whatever jokes you’d like! The wedding required a hotel stay. Now, I understand that he was my plus one at the wedding, and I didn’t expect him to pay for the hotel room. I simply thought it would be a great opportunity for him to show that he can be manly and he can financially take care of things. If he offered to pay for the hotel room, it could have shown that he maybe wasn’t as cheap. When it came to paying the room bill, he said, “Hey, we can split it.” Umm no, this isn’t a Costco size muffin that has too many calories for one person. “No, I’ll take care of it,” I told him. Okay, he’s still cheap.

Let’s see, what else happened…oh, he left me. Yup, he left the reception. Family emergency? He didn’t feel well? No. There was a game on. The Super Bowl? World Series? Whatever the ice hockey championship is called? Nope! It was some unknown college football game. Feeling like maybe I was being a little dramatic at thinking this was ridiculous behavior, I checked in with a guy friend who was at the wedding, too. He thought Jeremy was a d-bag for leaving the wedding for a game, and especially an unimportant game. He came back to the reception and then we danced. Ohhh, the dance. So many dramatics over the dancing. Simple story: We slow danced. I asked for a few more inches between us so my head wouldn’t pop off because he was holding me so close I had nowhere to put my head except way far backwards. He cried about it and left the reception. Again. A couple other unsettling events happened that night, and I realized that I had tried to make this work, but simply put: I couldn’t stand him. A couple days later we talked and I told him that we aren’t a good match for each other at all. He didn’t see it that way, and he was quite surprised I wanted out.

I will say that he slowed his drinking a lot during the time that we were together, and he seemed pretty upset when we ended. He was almost speechless. I could’ve sworn it was a near-tears type of speechless. I’m proud of myself for really giving this one a try, but I’m upset with myself at the same time for letting it go as long as it did. Plus, I should’ve picked up on all the criticisms I had about him and ended the madness way earlier.

So, where to go from here? 

The Ol' GagBall And Chain

And Jeremy would be this sweetheart here in the lower right corner.

Yesterday was Friday so of course last night Jeremy, his 800 friends, and I piled into cabs to drink, drink, drink! Before heading out to the bar, everyone congregated at Jeremy’s house. Everyone was wearing normal clothes because, ya know, it’s a normal night. But not in Jeremy’s mind. Halloween is a few days away, and I guess since girls use Halloween as an excuse to showcase their sluttyness, Jeremy used it to display his freakness. He emerged from his room dressed in jeans, a leather vest (only a vest, no shirt), some dog collar thing around his neck, chains and handcuffs hanging from his pants, and this neat little gadget that I learned is called a gagball. I’m sorry, a what? I’m still not sure I understand what it is, but that’s fine with me because I don’t even wanna know. The image of him wearing this stuff helped me lose any physical desire I may have had with him. He looked more like a Village People member than a…what, bondage guy?

True to myself, I had an attitude and wasn’t shy about making my feelings known for his outfit choice. There are some people that can pull off the look, and Jeremy just isn’t one of those people. NO ONE else at the bar is dressed for Halloween. NO ONE! Kudos to Jeremy for ignoring all of the guys who were pointing and laughing at him. And kudos to Jeremy for ignoring me for pointing and laughing at him. It took me the better part of an hour (or the amount of time it took for me to guzzle two drinks) to get used to Jeremy’s outfit. I even felt okay enough to dance with him! Wow, what did they put in that drink that I would dance with him, too? The night ended back at his house with the handcuffs stuck on his wrists. Yup. He was showing off how cool he looked and then the handcuffs wouldn’t unlock. I loved this moment. I loved this moment so much. After laughing again, I grabbed the key from him and got him out.

It feels like Jeremy and I, or at least I, are getting to a point where we’re either gonna go our separate ways or bunker down and make this last. I didn’t run away from him early on, and I did give it many chances, which is major progress from previous guys. And maybe that’s what I need to do, just give it time to really evolve. But I still find myself here: unhappy.

Running Mate

So I’m driving around my town and I see him. His face is plastered on a huge political poster sticking out of the median. It’s Jared! Jared is from last year; he was my “I’m at the coffee shop doing work, come hang out” date. I came home and Googled for him, but nothing came up, probably because I couldn’t remember how to spell his last name since I had whizzed by his poster. I never made it back into the area where I saw his poster, but I was driving in another location and saw his poster again. This time, I committed his last name to memory. After Googling, I found his political campaign site and watched a couple videos of him giving speeches. Huh. Funny. Maybe this whole political campaign thing is why he only had time for a quick morning coffee date.