Identity Crisis

It’s been quite a while since I started dabbling in online dating with the persona of KpSmyln. As you all know, I did have some measureable amount of success, but mostly a large amount of measureable failure. During my time with Jeremy, a close friend of mine inquired a couple times about setting me up with a friend of her boyfriend’s. Say what? Meeting someone from other actual people instead of my SONY computer? I’m not sure about this. When she asked me to meet the guy, I had an easy out while dating Jeremy because as much as he…yeah, I’ll say it…as much as he sucked at life, I was still with him and was trying to make it work. When that whole thing ended non-tragically, I gave my friend the green light to help me meet my first, err maybe third, real life match!

And then it happened. I went out the night before our group date and I met someone. IN real life. He was a youngin’ military boy, about 22 years old. I liked that he wasn’t drunk. He was relaxed, walked up to me, and told me he thought I was beautiful. Then he walked away. Wha, where’d he go?? That boy is good because he got my attention. The place we were at was really big and spread out so when we kept running into each other, you know it was fate. We ended up going out the next day where I learned that he has a rough past. He cleans up nicely, but he’s got a tough attitude since he’s been through some stuff. Anyway, despite all this, he was such a nice, good guy, and he was easy to get along with…you know, in those eight hours that I knew him. I actually kinda liked him, but I had to go to my next meeting of a boy from real life.

Our double “date” was happening at Tysons Mall since it was most conducive to where we all were. I was introduced to Richard. He was cute, a little more pretty boy than I like, but very very friendly. I could’ve sworn he looked familiar. His name stood out to me because I hadn’t met many of them in my life. I eavesdropped on Richard’s conversation with his friend, and a couple key things clicked that I knew I had heard before. Then, I was told his last name and I knew it. I had met Richard before. We met five years ago at a bar, and we had even exchanged numbers. Back then, I was just learning how life worked, let alone boy/girl interactions, so I actually made the effort to get in touch with him, and he was quite dismissive back then. 

On our now date, I waited for the perfect time to say, “So, Richard, we met five years ago at a bar.” He started laughing and said, “I knew you looked familiar!” Even better proof of our previous encounter, he still had my number in his phone. Maybe it’s time to hang up my online dating uniform and go back to how God intended things to be: Get set up with a bar guy from years ago who was uninterested and now has to go out with you because you have mutual friends. Yeah. That sounds like a good plan.

Dear Santa

All I Want For Christmas…Is for match.com to adhere to my wishlist.

1. As I’ve made known, I don’t like driving into DC or Maryland, and it just so happens that both of these places fall right into my search radius. Maryland…you may be just a few miles away but I’d have an easier time traveling across the country than getting to my date across the Potomac. Please, match, do something techie so I can exclude certain areas from my search zone.

2. I’m a stalker. But I don’t want the guys to know I’m a stalker. I would like to save someone’s profile for easy viewing access, but your only current option is to mark them as a Favorite. That person KNOWS that I have Favorited them. I’m rather private when it comes to my stalking so I’d prefer that I obsess over their profile secretly. This will also make it easier to save the profiles on match instead of in Word documents that I get confused. This is kind of like having an internet history, but instead it’s a potential match history.

3. I hate the jerks who have expired subscriptions, but they keep their profiles visible. Why do you do this to us poor souls who are still searching? This does nothing but clog the search results, and if you’re a “good” one, you get my hopes up only to be disappointed when I find out you’re unreachable. Match, please make a way that people who are inactive after 3 weeks will have profiles automatically hidden. There’s no time for fake outs when you’re lookin’ for love!

4. It’s no secret that I’ve been on match for a bazillion years. What is secret, apparently, is who I have possibly viewed, winked at, or emailed in the past. Match, why must you delete my communication history? Please keep my history forever and ever because I will most likely be back on your site, and I can’t remember which guys I’ve already harassed. I mean winked at. Many of us on your site are repeat offenders, and after so long, my past communication is a little hazy. Did I wink at him? Did we email at all? Did he message me? Did one of us ignore the other? This could be easily resolved if my communication history would never be wiped out.

So, you see, Santa, I could really use some help on this. I’ve invested a lot of time into using match’s website, and I think I have some good ideas here. If you could deliver them to the match headquarters for Christmas, I will love you forever. Well, I kind of know you don’t exist so I don’t know if it’s possible to love you…but I will leave you some milk and cookies.

Hitched

No, not me. But apparently everyone else who signs up for online dating is! My sister has taken to calling me “Hitch,” referring to Will Smith’s movie where he helps men “meet” women. Will Smith, Hitch, can’t find love himself but he is able to play cupid for everyone else. Enter me. I’ve encouraged and advertised match.com to friends and acquaintances, and many of them have found love. What’s more of a kick in the pants is that they’ve found love quickly. I’m starting to think I should abandon my desire to find love and instead look toward becoming Hitch for the online world. I’ve already started dabbling in it by giving emailing directions to those poor souls who decided to write me a 2-4 word message. I could go back to them and say, “Hey, let’s find the type of girl that you have the best chance at meeting because it surely ain’t gonna be me.”

So, let’s see, I’d be Hitch + Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker (because she’s so fabulous and tells it like it is which is how I am) – the millionaires + online dating world = my best idea yet to become rich and famous!

I Respectfully Would Like to Tell You Off

            TRP alert!! I have found a good one (TRP=The Ridiculous Profile, for you newcomers to MissMatch)! He doesn't fall in the upper brackets of attractiveness, and I get the feeling that he is looking for a top model, mixed with a Playmate of the year, who has a little bit of adult shop fun in her, but it’s not like he’s holding up his end of the bargain. He doesn’t have looks going for him. Even worse, he doesn’t have personality or courtship going for him. I have highlighted the components of his profile that stand out as making the female reader go, “Ew, who is this guy?”

Warm and sensual looking for hottie with a warm heart and sweet face who loves a man who embraces his sensual/sexy side..Groomed, sensual, and sporty man looking for a lover and companion who is competent and able for the serious times of life while also being sexy, nurturing and open minded for the other times... Come have fun with me while we enjoy each other's hearts, minds and bodies ;)The contrast between me being a military officer and a singer tells it all. I am a respectful and capable leader by day while being sexy at night ;) I'd love to find a liberal beautiful partner who liked to mix a little naughty in between the wholesome stuff once in a while....

I am most attracted to a woman who is a competent individual splitting her time between her profession, her fitness, her friends and me! It is very important to me that the girl has some situational awareness and tact. After all, this woman will represent me and I her.

I want an equal. A woman who can walk into a room with grace and femininity while commanding respect is a wonderful thing. Sorry if I am coming off wrong it's just that I want to be clear that I am not looking for a little girl who I do everything for. I would like to find a robust and capable cookie! Cause that's what daddy likes :)

Oh and if you're sporty and in tune with your 'sensual' side all the better! Gym girls are hot!!

I've been to navy flight school, sailed on aircraft carriers, traveled to Kuwait, Bahrain, and Korea but am now in pursuit of becoming a nurse of anesthesia. So be sweet and cook once a week for me and maybe I'll put you to sleep one day ;)If you like a masculine boy by day who's a pretty boy at night, you'll like me!

Respectfully,

Joe

Pets:I have an adorable basset hound named Tiger who is quite the lover boy (Like his dad!)

For Fun:Anything involved in a sexy swimsuit for you and me and some fun in the sun :)

Movies, nice dinners and wholesome times with family mixed with some naughty times for us!

Favorite Hot Spots:Tropical sunny getaways or outdoor activities are what lure me. But snowboarding in the mountains then returning to our cozy cabin is very cool too.

Favorite Things:My hobby is singing anthems at stadiums as well as with a 50's Acappela quartet

Last Read:Mostly flip through computer gadget, electronic or fitness magazines.


His touch of adding “respectfully” just makes me roll my eyes and mutter “Ugh, dirtbag,” as I reread to highlight all of his “respectful” comments and items on his wish list of his um, soulmate? Maybe bedmate is more like it. Simply put, Joe is gross, and there are more “adult friendly” websites out there where he can achieve more of what he’s looking for. If any of my match friends should come across his profile, please let me know so I can give him some "gentle tips" on profile writing.

Can't Argue With Stupid, But I Tried Anyway

You’ve seen the typical email that lands in my inbox, and I’m sure the inbox of most girls on match. Who knows, this may even be how girls are toward guys, too. My friend right below baited me with, “How are you?” I responded with the same email that I sent to the other 11 guys: Hi, there, ~While I don’t know if you’ve been successful with your previous emails for online dating, I’d like to offer a simple suggestion for sending the initial email: Use your words to show the girl that you’ve read her profile. Find some common ground or ask her questions. Including your name would also be an important step. Good luck in your search!

Now comes our email exchanges…

Idiot:

You're kidding me right? Isn't that a little selfish? Little one sided maybe? Why should I spend a half hour or close to it trying to write a long interesting letter when I have no idea if you interested in me? I have a profile too. Its there for you to read. If after you read it and are interested and respond to my message; then I'll write a nice long letter.

Match.com expert (minus the fact that I haven’t found “love.” Minor detail.):

I don't think it's selfish at all. I do the same thing when I email a guy. It doesn't have to be long, and it shouldn't be long. Just a few sentences to show that you have an interest. Obviously you can continue as you would like!

Idiot:

A few short sentences? Then what's the difference? you'll still get the same few short sentences from every guy. There is only so many few short sentences that can be written about your profile. And since guys mostly find the same stuff interesting...or at least guys that find a girl interesting would probbaly be for the same reasons. You'll still get the same email over and over again

Match.com expert:

The messages are not the same--people share different interests, and personalities can come through more with a few sentences than a "hey." If you've been so successful with your method, then what's the big deal about what I said?

Again, do what you'd like, I was simply sharing what I've learned.

After all of this back and forth, he relented and realized that I wasn’t being nasty, I was really just trying to help a brotha out.

MissMatch Has Been Mismatched Too Many Times

It's been almost a week since the Jerm has been gone. I haven't started up with match because at this point, I'm kind of over it. Plus, a friend of mine is playing matchmaker and wants to set me up with a friend of hers. So, in the mean time, I will be blogging about whatever online dating topics come to mind. This may even lead to posts about dating in general. Also, if YOU have a fabulous online dating story please send it my way and I will gladly post it for you.


Today's entertainment comes from 11 gentlemen suitors who need a little help with the suiting part. And I'm not sure how gentlemanly they are either. Below you will find what appears in my inbox on match:
Hey, how's it going?              Hey gorgeous :)              i would like to get to know u                    
Hello Beautiful                       How are you?                 How are you ?
Hey, how's it going?              Hey cutiepie how are you?                 I'm Scott. How are you?
How are you? How's your week going?                     What's up sweetheart, how are you?


Well, what fun we had with that! I've been doing this match.com thing long enough that I usually ignore emails like that. Really, what do the guys expect? I can answer them with “fine”or "hi" or "really? why would you like to get to know me?" and then where does that leave us? I’m not here to be your pen pal, I’d like to meet you ASAP if I actually “like” you. The one liners are a waste of time, and telling me I’m pretty isn’t gonna get you far. Read my words and acknowledge them. Ok, so back to the joys of attempting to set these guys straight. I sent an email to each of them that said: Hi, there, ~While I don’t know if you’ve been successful with your previous emails for online dating, I’d like to offer a simple suggestion for sending the initial email: Use your words to show the girl that you’ve read her profile. Find some common ground or ask her questions. Including your name would also be an important step. Good luck in your search! 


I actually heard back from about half of them with many thanks and questions for more advice. They apologized, appreciated me taking the time to help them, and a couple of them even asked for guidance in building their profiles and crafting the first email. Do I sense a business venture coming up?     

A Marriage And A Divorce

Sweet Jesus that day has come! One of my best friends got married, and…wait for it…Jeremy and I are OVER! Wow, I’m really happy about that, aren’t I? Probably a sign that it should’ve been over long ago. I could sense the end was near, and his behavior throughout the wedding night really helped me know that I couldn’t stand to be with him any longer. So, we’ve well established that Jeremy is cheap, and in case I didn’t say it before, I actually told this to him, which resulted in him saying, “Don’t say that! My ex-girlfriend said that and my friends say that! I’m not cheap!” and then he hung up the phone. Okay, I’ll leave that one alone, you all can fill in whatever jokes you’d like! The wedding required a hotel stay. Now, I understand that he was my plus one at the wedding, and I didn’t expect him to pay for the hotel room. I simply thought it would be a great opportunity for him to show that he can be manly and he can financially take care of things. If he offered to pay for the hotel room, it could have shown that he maybe wasn’t as cheap. When it came to paying the room bill, he said, “Hey, we can split it.” Umm no, this isn’t a Costco size muffin that has too many calories for one person. “No, I’ll take care of it,” I told him. Okay, he’s still cheap.

Let’s see, what else happened…oh, he left me. Yup, he left the reception. Family emergency? He didn’t feel well? No. There was a game on. The Super Bowl? World Series? Whatever the ice hockey championship is called? Nope! It was some unknown college football game. Feeling like maybe I was being a little dramatic at thinking this was ridiculous behavior, I checked in with a guy friend who was at the wedding, too. He thought Jeremy was a d-bag for leaving the wedding for a game, and especially an unimportant game. He came back to the reception and then we danced. Ohhh, the dance. So many dramatics over the dancing. Simple story: We slow danced. I asked for a few more inches between us so my head wouldn’t pop off because he was holding me so close I had nowhere to put my head except way far backwards. He cried about it and left the reception. Again. A couple other unsettling events happened that night, and I realized that I had tried to make this work, but simply put: I couldn’t stand him. A couple days later we talked and I told him that we aren’t a good match for each other at all. He didn’t see it that way, and he was quite surprised I wanted out.

I will say that he slowed his drinking a lot during the time that we were together, and he seemed pretty upset when we ended. He was almost speechless. I could’ve sworn it was a near-tears type of speechless. I’m proud of myself for really giving this one a try, but I’m upset with myself at the same time for letting it go as long as it did. Plus, I should’ve picked up on all the criticisms I had about him and ended the madness way earlier.

So, where to go from here? 

The Ol' GagBall And Chain

And Jeremy would be this sweetheart here in the lower right corner.

Yesterday was Friday so of course last night Jeremy, his 800 friends, and I piled into cabs to drink, drink, drink! Before heading out to the bar, everyone congregated at Jeremy’s house. Everyone was wearing normal clothes because, ya know, it’s a normal night. But not in Jeremy’s mind. Halloween is a few days away, and I guess since girls use Halloween as an excuse to showcase their sluttyness, Jeremy used it to display his freakness. He emerged from his room dressed in jeans, a leather vest (only a vest, no shirt), some dog collar thing around his neck, chains and handcuffs hanging from his pants, and this neat little gadget that I learned is called a gagball. I’m sorry, a what? I’m still not sure I understand what it is, but that’s fine with me because I don’t even wanna know. The image of him wearing this stuff helped me lose any physical desire I may have had with him. He looked more like a Village People member than a…what, bondage guy?

True to myself, I had an attitude and wasn’t shy about making my feelings known for his outfit choice. There are some people that can pull off the look, and Jeremy just isn’t one of those people. NO ONE else at the bar is dressed for Halloween. NO ONE! Kudos to Jeremy for ignoring all of the guys who were pointing and laughing at him. And kudos to Jeremy for ignoring me for pointing and laughing at him. It took me the better part of an hour (or the amount of time it took for me to guzzle two drinks) to get used to Jeremy’s outfit. I even felt okay enough to dance with him! Wow, what did they put in that drink that I would dance with him, too? The night ended back at his house with the handcuffs stuck on his wrists. Yup. He was showing off how cool he looked and then the handcuffs wouldn’t unlock. I loved this moment. I loved this moment so much. After laughing again, I grabbed the key from him and got him out.

It feels like Jeremy and I, or at least I, are getting to a point where we’re either gonna go our separate ways or bunker down and make this last. I didn’t run away from him early on, and I did give it many chances, which is major progress from previous guys. And maybe that’s what I need to do, just give it time to really evolve. But I still find myself here: unhappy.

Running Mate

So I’m driving around my town and I see him. His face is plastered on a huge political poster sticking out of the median. It’s Jared! Jared is from last year; he was my “I’m at the coffee shop doing work, come hang out” date. I came home and Googled for him, but nothing came up, probably because I couldn’t remember how to spell his last name since I had whizzed by his poster. I never made it back into the area where I saw his poster, but I was driving in another location and saw his poster again. This time, I committed his last name to memory. After Googling, I found his political campaign site and watched a couple videos of him giving speeches. Huh. Funny. Maybe this whole political campaign thing is why he only had time for a quick morning coffee date.

Nick At Night

With Jeremy’s birthday having been last week, he received tickets to a Caps’ game and sooo…you guessed it—we got to go out! I do realize that he could’ve gone with any of his buddies so I’m definitely appreciative that he’d bring me instead. I’ve been to a few hockey games, and while I don’t particularly care for the sport, I do enjoy any live sporting event. The only snag in this fairy tale is that I had gotten sick, and the arctic temperatures of the ice rink were not helping. As the night went on, my coughing was almost louder than the screams of the fans. Jeremy kept making snotty comments that I wasn’t standing up and cheering. I did my best to use my scratchy voice to yell at him that I wasn’t feeling well and certainly didn’t feel like standing to cheer. I think he thought I was hating being there and that I was giving him an attitude, but it became quite clear to him and those around us that I was dying. He offered to leave the game early which was quite sweet, but I told him I’d be fine for the whole game.

The final buzzer sounded and we made our way for the exits. As the herds made their way down the stairs, Jeremy said he had to stop in the bathroom. Using my awesome crowd-clearing elbow skills, I made a path for us. As I was walking, I saw him…Nick! Of COURSE I would see the guy I reeeaaallly like while I’m out with a guy I maybe like. The Boston hunk was just a few feet away and only a small crowd separated us. Just seeing Nick through all those people made me feel better. I thought Jeremy was going into the bathroom so I gave a quick wave and cut off the stream of people coming towards me. Nick noticed me coming and scooped me up for one of the best hugs I’ve ever had. If only a kiss had followed…that really would’ve been good! And trouble. But anyway, he knew I had a thing for baseball and football, but was surprised that I’d be at a hockey game. “What, are you here on a match date?” Nick asked. Wow, he knows me well. We talked for a little bit and it was amazing. That feeling that I’ve been wanting to feel again comes with Nick. It doesn’t come with Jeremy. Nick said he’d sent me some messages, but never heard back. Umm, yeah, if he had messaged me, contact would have been reciprocated. I’m not sure if he’s lying or not, but I won’t dwell on it. Seeing him made me happy enough.

And then Jeremy was there. Oh yeah, Jeremy. I turned around to go find him near the bathroom, but was surprised to see him just a few feet away, staring, watching the exchange between Nick and I. Yikes! Slightly awkward. He didn’t ask who I was talking to, and I didn’t offer to tell him. 

UnHappy Birthday

Things are moving along with Jeremy, and he finally eased up on his “aggressiveness.” It took him a few weeks, but he realized that “no means no” and pushing someone to say “ok” doesn’t get anyone anywhere. His birthday was yesterday, and since we have only been seeing each other for a month, I had to do a little bit of research to find out what would be appropriate to do for/get him. I surveyed friends, my teaching teammates, and guy friends and cousins. Everyone was in agreement that taking him out to dinner was absolutely fine. It would be harmful to do too much, and it could be harmful to do too little so dinner was the medium. Also, as an added bonus to Jeremy because I'm so sweet and caring, knowing he’s a beer “enthusiast,” we can call it, I tracked down his favorite beer that is super hard to find.

I went to his house yesterday with his beer surprise cutely wrapped, and the intention to take him out to dinner. I walked in the door to find him all grunged out. The boy hadn’t  showered, and it was 4 pm. I don’t even think I mind the unshoweredness so much, but he just looked gross. It’s definitely possible to pull off looking good without showering, but he needs quite a few lessons in how to do it. Apparently, he was hungover from Friday night festivities that I couldn’t attend (yay!) I handed him the beer and said, “Well, I guess this is the last thing you want to see right now. Happy birthday!” I got a small “thank you” and braced myself for a kiss. His friends were more impressed with my thoughtfulness which made me feel better. He then decided that we should do his birthday dinner another night. Oh joy, so now I came over to sit here again?! I know I’m a bit tough on guys and have many complaints, and I guess if I can rip on him for so much then maybe I shouldn’t be with him. I’ve always failed with guys, and maybe that is my fault because I am so hard on them. Or maybe it’s because they all suck. Haaa, just kidding, not all of them. I do believe there are good ones out there, and that there is someone who is a good fit for me. I need more time with Jeremy to find out what our future really holds. For the time being, I can fake it ‘til I make it with him, right?

(Really) Lazy Sunday

I’m really enjoying the comfortableness that there is with Jeremy, and there’s a lot that I like about him. With time, though, some of his not-so-great qualities are starting to show. For the past week or so, he’s been house sitting for family friends just a few minutes from my own house. It’s made it a lot easier to spend time with him. I’m finding, though, that I’m getting REALLY bored when I’m with him. I like TV and I like relaxing, but he takes both to an extreme. I’ve asked to go out for walks, or random other places that somehow always get brushed to the side. 

Yesterday, I went to his house-sitting house after having talked with him about going to some wineries. He said there were some football games on that he wanted to see, but he said that wineries sounded like fun. Well, I went to the house and never saw a winery that day. When I asked again if we were going to the wineries, his response was that he has games to watch first. Ughhh, nothing bothers me more than unathletic guys being all into, well, athletics. Actually, I’m sure there’s a lot that bothers me more than that, but this does irritate me. He’s not athletic, doesn’t even work out, but he’s a diehard sports fan. Maybe if he got up from the couch to actually run a few laps or lift a few weights, his obsession with sports may be more fitting. Anyway, I told him that by the time all of his “must sees” are over, the wineries will be closed. So, logically, I told him I was bored and I left.

His laziness is becoming more and more apparent. Admittedly I’m not always an initiator of doing things, but when I have a special person to do things with then it’s a lot easier to plan and do things! I’m getting frustrated that he seems content with just sitting. And sitting. Oh, and drinking. And sitting. Maybe normal wasn’t the way to go?

Tip Of The Cheap Iceberg

The free candy from work, the free baseball tickets from work, and now the free gift card to a restaurant—thank goodness for this company or Jeremy and I would have only made it out to our first date! Dinner was at a pretty nice restaurant, and it’s nice that Jeremy and I are really getting to be at a comfortable point. He “paid” for dinner, but then he spoke these words to me: “Oh, I don’t have cash. Can you pay for the tip?” Yeah, here’s a tip, buddy: BRING CASH and don’t make your date pay for anything! I’m not a total snot; I have paid for a guy before, but it was after a longer period of dating, and oh, I don’t know, he had actually spent some money as well on dates. I’m old fashioned and I believe the guy needs to woo the girl. Telling me I need to bust out my wallet on a date is not a good woo. His streak of freebies had made my antennae go up. I’m all for saving money, and I definitely get excited when I can get a $200 dress down to $50, but this was starting to turn me off. Maybe he was compensating for the amount of money he spends on alcohol and his Mercedes car payment? Anyway, I dug through my purse for my wallet and paid the tip. It just makes me wonder if this will be a lifetime of not being able to do things or go places unless he got something from work.

After dinner, we came back to my house to watch Glee because I was tired of driving out to his house all the time. I had sat in enough traffic, and while I’m not really a fan of my parents having to meet every guy I go out with, thems the breaks when I’m trying to save up for a real house. The meeting was totally fine; my parents are pretty used to it now. Jeremy and dad got along really well because they do similar things for work. My mom liked him because he’s Catholic and was an altar boy (coincidentally at the same church I “belong” to).  I do like Jeremy and he’s definitely that average, normal guy I wanted. I’m just still struggling with how much I really like him. It’s only been a few weeks, and maybe my whole idea of falling in love right away just isn’t supposed to happen. I’ve fallen in love quickly before and things never worked out so maybe it needs to grow over time. I’m open to the idea since I obviously haven’t been right before. 

Alcoholic Not Anonymous

I was a champ again Friday night and went out with him and his friends to a bar called “Where Everybody and Their Mother Goes To On A Friday Night.” I like low key and peaceful evenings, especially on a Friday after I’ve been sharing my “office” with 25-27 charming angels. Anyway, we escaped all of the people inside and grabbed a bunch of tables on the patio. I got my vodka tonic and talked with the nice roommate and some of Jeremy’s friends who were visiting from NJ. Finally, some Jersey blood! I tried making friends with the girls, but they were not the friendliest bunch. The girl I knew from high school was still the same space cadet that she was 8 years ago which probably explains why I was never really friends with her and why I have no reason to want to become friends with her. So, of course, I make friends with the boys. They’re way easier to get along with, no drama, and these were actually some pretty nice and funny guys.

While I was making friendly “getting to know you” conversation, Jeremy was off having a competition with himself about how much more alcohol he could consume that night as compared to last week. I have no tolerance for sloppy drunks. You’ve been drinking for at least 6 years if you’ve only started when you were legally allowed—you should know your own tolerance level by now. And if you don’t, well, I hope one of your boys will hold your hair back for ya because I’m not hangin’ around for that. I talked with him later about his drinking, asking him if he thinks he drinks an appropriate amount and he can handle himself, and basically his response was that he knows he drinks a lot but he likes to have fun. I’ve dated worse than someone who has a possible alcohol problem, and as long as he is willing to talk about it more then there still is hope that this will work out with Jeremy.  If he's closed off to the idea of readjusting his behavior, thennnnn there could be trouble.

No Playing Games--Except Baseball!

I loooove going to baseball games, and Jeremy really hit a homerun with this date. Well, it was a homerun that he didn’t pay for. He got Nats’ tickets from his company (wow, they give out free chocolate AND free baseball tickets?! I’m in the wrong career!) so it seemed like a good opportunity to get a baseball game in since the season is pretty much done. The seats were awesome, and the tickets came with money on them so we had some food, but more importantly, we had drinks. Jeremy watched his intake this time, and he was much more enjoyable. Usually preferring a calm and uneventful weekday evening, I’ve been going over to his house to hang out after work. One of his roommates is really great and super welcoming, but the other one is…oh, how do I put this delicately…he’s an a-hole. I’m not sure what it is about him, but I feel uncomfortable when he’s there. I feel like he’s thinking, ‘Why are you in my house?’ I tried being friendly and bubbly, but I simply don’t care anymore and really only make effort with the nice roommate. 

For once I feel like Jeremy isn't one to dip out on me and that he actually sees this going into a relationship. At least I think that's what's going on? I mean, let's get serious, I HAVE been out with almost 20 guys from match, and some of them I THOUGHT wanted something more substantial than just a few dates, but clearly I've been wrong. My track record isn't so good with reading guys. Or maybe they're just really good liars. Jerks. Anyway, thus is life and for now, mine will continue on with Jeremy.

On a random note, Jeremy and I actually have a mutual friend. One of his good friends from college is a girl I went to high school with. I was more acquaintances with her, but friendly enough that I’m sure it won’t be awkward at all when I go out with alllllll of them tomorrow. Again. On a Friday night. 

Dancing Queen

Jeremy and I are still dating even after the Friday night fiasco. What was the fiasco you ask? Basically, he apparently likes to drink. A lot. And even worse, he really can’t handle himself when he drinks. He’s been out of college for five years now. I know I’m a senior citizen when it comes to going out and everything, but at least I don’t look like a fool when I drink. If you like drinking, fine. But don’t embarrass me in the process. Speaking of embarrassing, not only is he a messy drunk, he’s a terrible dancer. Even worse, he THINKS he’s a good dancer. Scouts honor, I don't make this up. I had collected some energy and was really enjoying myself, I was getting to know his friends (typical college group of a buncha guys and a buncha girls), and I felt relaxed sitting on the bar’s patio, sipping my vodka tonic.

Then Jeremy decides he wants to dance. Please, no, I beg him. I do like to dance, but I have to be in the mood, and umm, I could just get the feeling that he wouldn’t be a good dancer, and I’m sorry, but I need someone to keep up when we’re out there. After five minutes of him whining like a child who wants a cookie when his mother is telling him to eat a banana, I relented. I couldn’t deal with his dramatics any longer. The dance floor is a decent size, but it shrinks when you try to pack 100 people on it. Jeremy didn’t seem to care. He danced so big and so wide, bumping into all sorts of people, and this child had not a care in the world. Jeremy may be tall, but he’s not exactly the buffest guy around. I started to notice some um, physically fit gentlemen who wanted to “speak” with him. I mouthed “I’m sorry” to them and watched their eyes sadden when they realized what I was stuck with. Their girlfriends looked even sadder for me. Finally, I grabbed Jeremy’s collar and pulled him in close to me. “Look, we’re on a tight dance floor, and you’re dancing real big right now, so you need to bring it in or we’re leaving.”  Like a child who had been scolded by his mother for eating the cookie instead of the banana, he bent his head and whispered an apology. We danced a little more and then headed out. I’m not totally put off just yet, but this is something that will definitely need monitoring. I don’t plan on being his bodyguard again so he needs to pull it together or this will become a major issue.

Sweet Date

Before meeting Jeremy for dinner, I had gotten an email from him asking what my favorite candy is. I listed a few of my faves because really, how can I have only one favorite candy? That’s like trying to choose your favorite child. Anyway, I wasn’t sure what candy had to do with going out to dinner, but when we met up outside the restaurant, I noticed he had a bag with him. And it had my candy in it! King Size bars! I thought, how sweet that he would stop and pick up candy for me. Random, but sweet. Turns out, that at his work, there is some sort of candy cart that comes trolling through and employees can then take whatever candy they want for free. Candy is candy and I’ll eat it regardless, but I guess the sweetness/thoughtfulness kind of went out the window.

Candy issues aside, dinner and conversation were both good with Jeremy again. The weather was nice, so even though we couldn’t get a table on the patio, after dinner we walked around the town center and found a spot to sit. We talked and people-watched, and I think I might actually like this guy. I’m supposed to be going out with him and his friends Friday night which I’m slightly peeved about because almost any teacher knows the pain of going out on a Friday night. But, it’ll be a chance to meet his friends so we’ll go ahead with it.

The Importance of Chemistry (No, Not the Periodic Table, Chemistry)

Mark is tall, like 6’6” tall. Mark is also a cop. He’s actually part of the SWAT team in D.C. and does some of his work with presidential matters. Pretty cool! He’s originally from New Jersey so that was another plus for him. Tonight we met for a drink and had a nice time. Conversation was never awkward, and I didn’t find myself praying for the evening to be over. There was nothing flirtatious which was kinda sad, but overall I had fun with him. Like Ben, I couldn’t tell if Mark was really interested or not. In the back of my mind, I was also thinking how great of a chemistry there was between me and Jeremy, and I may need to focus my efforts on him.

Tomorrow Jeremy and I are going out to dinner. Already tonight, I had messages from Ben AND from Mark saying how great of a time they had with me, and they both asked me out again. As much fun as juggling three guys sounds, I don’t think I can handle it right now. Ben’s brood of five doesn’t bother me, but his seriousness does. I don’t think we’re a good personality match. I do like Mark, but not as much as Jeremy. There just seemed to be more of a comfort level with Jeremy right away. So…this is it. Started with three bikes in the motor cage and now we’re down to one. Hopefully it’s the right one!

Too Normal?

Jeremy fit my criteria pretty well—you know, those qualifiers I so steadfastly held on to before I realized there really might not be a prince charming, or castle, or happily ever after. He was tall, brown hair, successful job, family in the area, and he really just seemed like a normal guy. That’s exactly what I wanted. I wasn’t looking for someone who had everything checked off on their list of things to do/see/places to go because that just makes me feel inadequate. Jeremy emailed me, and I was surprised that I had never seen him before. It didn’t take long for us to exchange numbers, and it didn’t take long for him to text me. The dreaded text. I don’t care if he is 27 years old and that’s the norm for people nowadays to use technology like that; it’s still no way to woo a lady. We “talked” for a couple days until I couldn’t take it anymore. I called him. I actually called him as I was on my way home from my date with Ben. Conversation was fine, and we realized that we would both be out in Arlington Saturday night. He thought it would be great to meet up while we were out. Umm yeah. I’m not really a fan of “meet ups” in crowded bars, after we’ve both been drinking, and where we will have to scream to hear each other. If I were ok with that, I’d already have met someone while I’ve been out at the bar. He was determined to meet up while we were out despite my “I really don’t think it’s a good idea, I’d rather wait and meet tomorrow” text message pleas. Finally, I told him I had left Arlington, which I really had. Apparently, wine and vodka don’t mix.

Yesterday we met at the beer-only Vienna Inn. He had some beers while I had a diet coke. Vodka still prevails for me! We hit it off pretty well. It felt natural talking with him, and there was a mutual interest in each other. The decision was that we will go out for dinner Wednesday because I…get ready for this…have another date tomorrow! Playa, playa! Of course Jeremy doesn’t know I have the date, and even if I do like Jeremy, I’ve learned that I can never count on anything panning out how one might think it will. So, Mark will have his shot tomorrow night. 

Party of 5 Kids

Ben may be a bit of a stretch, but let’s call it what it is, folks—I’m gettin’ desperate. I am honestly at the point where I will give ALMOST anyone a chance. To go out with Ben, I had to think outside the box a little bit. He’s 35, successful government job, tall, athletic, has similar interests, and he has five kids. What’s that? Yup. Five kids. He’s a father to a basketball team. His kids live with his ex-wife in a Midwest state, so they’re not a constant physical presence in his life. We emailed a few times more than I usually like to wait, but I finally mentioned that we should get together. With the weather cooperating, we did a mini-tour of the western Virginia wineries. He was quieter than I anticipated, but my loud mouth and a bit o’ the smashed grapes helped him open up. He revealed that he was hesitant to talk to/go out with me because of my age. That’s fun, I’ve never heard that before! With his five kids, he wasn’t convinced that a 26-year-old would have the maturity to handle the situation and to just blend with his older, sophisticated, fatherly lifestyle. On the upside, he went on to say that he could tell through my emails that I was different than he was expecting, and that me being a teacher gave him some peace of mind that five kids wouldn’t be shocking to me.

I was having a pretty good time with Ben. We were having really good conversation, and exchanging various stories and thoughts for the future. He was super soft spoken and was very thoughtful with everything he said. He was almost too thoughtful. An example: he doesn’t like professional sports. None of them. And not just he doesn’t follow them. He really doesn’t like them because of how society builds up these athletes and they get all this recognition and money and role model status when…they’re just good at sports. I understand his point and tend to agree, but my G-Men are still great to watch on Sundays and I’ll be darned if I don’t make it to at least one Yankees game a season. I did like Ben, though, so I was slightly disappointed that I didn’t feel more of a connection. Since we were outside all day and it was sunny, sunglasses were a fixture on our faces. I took my sunglasses off many times throughout to try and initiate some eye contact. I feel that eye contact is so important in building a connection with someone. You can kind of tell if it’s there or not. He kept his sunglasses on at all times so that was frustrating. We ended our date with a hug, and I’m not sure that I’ll hear from him again. I couldn’t get a clear read on what he thought and felt about me.

Tomorrow I have a date with a youngin’ who came up out of nowhere. If Ben contacts me, I would definitely be open to going out again to see if a connection is there.

Old. No ‘Er.’ Just, Old.

Derek and I never talked again, but I liked him and what he represented. He was a true gentleman, a hard worker, polite, stable (at least it seemed like it), and many other qualities that I had given up on finding in a guy. Derek was 35 which I thought was a good age, and more and more I was beginning to like the idea of (hopefully) ending up with someone who had a few years on me. So after Derek and I went out but didn’t work out, I jumped back on match and searched with an age range with a minimum of 35 years and put a max at 45 years. The results were…varied, for sure. It’s amazing how different a couple of 40 year olds can look! Some guys were among the best I had ever seen and others looked like they were already able to get the early bird dinner special at IHOP. There were three guys that stood out to me, and I just went out with one of them. The other two are scheduled for this week. I guess I’m a slight pessimist at this point since I was anticipating that I would be available to go out with someone else.

Steve is a divorced, 44-year-old lawyer, with a child. Well, a 22-year-old child. Slightly awkward to think about going out with someone whose son is a mere 4 years younger than me, but he had similar characteristics to Derek that I liked. Unfortunately for Steve (and me), he had many characteristics that were different from Derek that I did not like. At all. Before meeting, we talked on the phone a couple times and the conversation was very easy. He was a talker, but that’s fine because I can be a talker, too. Steve’s profile was fun—it showcased his personality very clearly, and his high energy translated from written word to spoken word. We settled on a Starbucks date. I walked in and quickly scanned the room. Ummm. I must be at the wrong Vienna Starbucks (I mean, really, there are about three within a 4 block strip). All of these guys are old. None of them look like Steve. I panicked for a moment; then Steve appeared in front of me. And I panicked again. Oh no! He looks old! “You look different,” I spit out. Turns out it was his hair that was different, not the fact that he definitely seemed to have aged 10 years between internet world and reality. Regardless, I was there and decided to give it a shot. I said he was a talker, and sadly, he’s not a listener at all. He talks. And talks. Andddd talks. All. About. Himself. Another major turn off: it was quite evident that he only liked me because I am young. Ew. I’m so grossed out just writing about it.

The “date” didn’t end at Starbucks. We hiked across the parking lot to the local Whole Foods. Whole Foods?! We’re going grocery shopping?! He needed to pick up a few things, so, ya know, he thought it would win over his date to bring her to the food store. This is even grosser to say, but I felt like I was out with my dad. Steve just seemed so…old. I knew after that I for sure could never go out with him again. The way we left it, I was in control. Ha ha, I love being in control! Steve and I never talked again which is quite all right because I’ve got a date with Ben later this week. 

A Man's Man--Literally?

I had seen Derek’s profile before, like months before.  It was possible a wink had been sent between us, but I couldn’t remember much more than that.  This time I had an email waiting from him.  I clicked on his picture and read up on him.  He seems great; why did I never go for him before? From his pictures and profiles, it seemed that he was successful, cared about his appearance, and didn’t want to play games.  We emailed a couple times and settled on a day to get together for lunch. Derek was really nice, and I don’t mean in that sad way that he had nothing else going for him.  He was genuinely nice, respectful, well-spoken, and well-mannered.  We talked the whole time, and I loved learning about Derek’s successes in life, but he was also really open about sharing his failures, too. This was a good date.  Derek was a gentleman, I learned a lot from him, and felt an amount of respect and proper attention I hadn’t received from a guy in a long time. Or ever. Derek and I hugged good-bye with talk of getting together again. 

It was bound to happen at some point, right?  I’ve dated almost the entire Match.com crowd, and I should’ve expected that there would be a closet gay mixed in.  I’m pretty sure he undressed me with his eyes and then he dressed me back up in a way better outfit.  The feeling I got was that this man was hiding the truth, and neither of us made any attempt to contact the other.  Of course the good one has to be gay. Lucky man whoever ends up with this one!

Back To The Drawing Bored

The rest of the week after going out with Andrew, we talked every night on the phone or texted while he was at work. I started thinking of the few guys I had been out with that I had doubts about because they gave off a “I’m disinterested and can’t be bothered” vibe, but that we actually ended up hitting it off, and their personalities calmed a little. Andrew fell right into that category, and I was excited to go out with him again to get to know him better. We had plans for Saturday, but I realized Thursday and Friday I was the one who always initiated contact. Yes, it was at that stupid point when you have to keep a tally of how many times you’ve called or texted first. Saturday, I decided I’d let him be the one to start it off, and if I didn’t hear from him, then clearly he wasn’t interested. ______________. That’s representing the silence that came when there should’ve been a phone call.

Instead of waiting around for him, I worked on the tan with a friend, and we concocted a message to send to Andrew in order to elicit a response that may explain what had happened. “Hey, if you wanna do something later today, let me know.” Just a few minutes later he responded.  “I came home to New York this weekend.”  I turned to my friend and laughed because these guys I was finding were all a joke. I wrote back, “Oh, funny, I thought we were hanging out today.” If it’s not a match then that’s not an issue.  I was still perplexed, though, as to why a guy will initiate a second date and then suddenly bail out. I gave it maybe two seconds of thought and then turned up my music player. I'm starting to get a little bored with this whole process. It always ends up the same (in failure) and it's getting tough to keep going when there's this overlying feeling that it's just never ever gonna work out. I'm bored of having to tell my same funny stories, make my same funny jokes, wear my same date outfits, and go to the same bars for dates. BUT I still have weeks left on my match subscription AND I still have time for some summer playtime. So, with that, I may as well keep it open, but try and change things up a little.  

Jersey, Shore I'll Go Out With You!

I love going to the Jersey shore. I’ve gone every summer since I was a little kid. I’ve also only seen the show about 2 complete times. Now, just because I GO to the Jersey shore, doesn’t mean I want to date it. With Nick’s departure into the “shoulda been” world, I set out to be open minded and really just go for it!  Andrew was that guilty pleasure for me, similar to reality television. He was tall, buff, bald headed, a cop, and hailed from Long Island with a heavy accent. He was THAT guy from the Jersey shore. Well, I guess THOSE guys from the Jersey shore. The part that tripped me up, was that through his profile and pictures, I didn’t realize how “reality TV star-ish” he was. Unfortunately, it all came together when I met him in person.

Through his emails I wasn’t completely blown away. He kind of seemed like he didn’t care and was extremely direct. Good thing for him, though, I like direct. I arrived first to our dinner spot, and since he was new to the area, he called needing some quick directions. He was laughing at himself for needing the help, which actually softened him up a little and he seemed more human to me. As we talked on the phone, he drove passed me in his Mercedes convertible (?!?! who drives this car except old rich guys) with the top down as a background music of rap ushered him through the parking lot. Oh. My. God. I thought about running. I wanted to laugh almost at how ridiculous this seemed, but he also intimidated me a little. It felt like if I ran he would totally chase me down. So, I stayed. I waited for him to park and then I watched him as he emerged from the parking deck. Holy cow, someone graffitied his shirt!!! His clothes were so bedazzled, he looked like AC Moore’s bead and glitter aisle had been thrown against a city wall.  I paused to think and realized that I could probably take on a guy who wears glitter, even if he is twice my size.

We went into the restaurant for dinner and drinks. Andrew’s profile said that he was 29 years old. After placing drinks orders, our server asked for our IDs. Andrew stated, “Look at this…33 years old and I’m still getting carded.” ?!?!?!?. Umm, huh? When I reminded him that he’s supposed to be only 29 years old, he said, “Yeah, I am.” I responded with, “Who are you kidding? You just said you’re 33. Give me your ID and let’s do some math.” He quickly ‘fessed up, and explained that he thinks girls want a younger guy. I mentally rolled my eyes, and thanked our server for bringing us our drinks ever so speedily. Conversation was slow to start (of course it was, he started off with a lie!), but it actually got better as the night went along. He may be an idiot with some things, but the night really took a turn for the better. People need second chances quite often so I extended one to Andrew. We ended the evening with tentative plans to hang out over the weekend. I was a little worried about my decision to go out with Andrew at first, but now I’m glad that I gave it a chance. Maybe I’ll be surprised with this one. 

Fizzling Fireworks?

Summer’s been crazy, and I’ve been out of town, but have slowly managed to stay in touch with Nick.  A few days before July 4, we had talked about going to see fireworks together because fireworks are one of my most favorite things, and it had been awhile since we’d been able to hang out.  He realized, though, that after being out at a July 4 celebration with drinking, it wouldn’t be smart to head out and drive somewhere.  He assured me that he’d make it up to me.  It was a letdown, but 1) sadly I’m used to that by now and 2) I didn’t want anything to happen to him after drinking so I understood.  A few days later, though, I made him go out to a Kevin James movie (he just happens to be one of my favorite people).  I loved the movie and I loved FINALLY spending time with Nick.  Why do I do this to myself?  I’ve seen He’s Just Not That Into You plenty of times, and I do get the concept of it all, but I still put myself through all this grief.  I feel fine saying that Nick likes me, but what I’m struggling with is that he just doesn’t like me enough.  I’m wondering if, since there no other prospects, I should continue and see if that “enough” ever comes.

Or maybe I should abandon all hope, lay it out on the line, and then realize that “enough” will never happen—which is exactly what I did.  Nick and I went out again, and it’s tough to compartmentalize how he is when we’re out and then his actions/inactions that happen in between those dates.  He’s attentive and affectionate when we’re out, but then the effort is lacking when we’re not out.  I can’t keep my mouth shut, and I’ve always been one to just say how I feel because I know I’d regret it more if I never spoke up, so I told him how I felt about him and asked for some clarification of his feelings for me.  Basically, his response was, he likes me but he’s not ready to get into a relationship.  Hey, that’s just great, because that’s what I thought we were both here for.  This is proving to be a tough one to get over.  I’ll be in Italy for a couple weeks so while I’m running around that amazing country, Nick will just be a firework that died out a little too early…

Just In The Nick Of Time

These past couple weeks have been pretty typical Nick behavior—he’s either too busy at work or out of town for something—but I can’t help it; I like the guy anyway. Even though we hadn’t seen each other, and I was almost ready to just be done with the whole flaky situation, I was proud of him for progressing to phone calls. We still texted and emailed because sometimes it was just easier, but I could recognize that he was really making an effort to actually talk on the phone which I appreciated, and I made sure to tell him that, too. Conversations were great, and we finally had the chance to go out for some drinks and catch up.

It was lovely. He’s lovely. He’s a good, good guy. Minus the whole not-ever-able-to-see-me thing. Mutual attraction is definitely there (woohoo!), and even better, it’s physical and intellectual attraction. He must be feeling a bit more confident than when we first met because we already have plans to go out next week when he has a day off. Maybe it really was just bad timing the first go around; even if this doesn’t work out, he’s reopened my belief that there are still some lingering guys who have good attitudes, morals, values, etc.

On another note, after starting this blog, it’s been pretty amazing to hear how many friends and acquaintances are signing up for match. Some had used an online site before, and gave up, but have since rejoined. Others had never done it before and decided to give it a go. The conversations about online dating that I’ve had with people I barely know have been helpful in starting a dialogue—people are hesitant, doubtful, but most importantly, they are curious. They ask many questions to learn more about it, and at the end, they seem to realize that it’s not at all the loser in their mother’s basement who is socially inept. It’s the guys and girls who are out and about and are simply open minded to a new social network.

Boston Rallies!

Amidst the thousands of guys that could potentially be my match online, lies the true motivator behind my rejoining. Boston Nick. I was thinking about him and realized it was a shame we never got together again even if it was purely and totally his fault (which it was because he was supposed to be the man and set the next date, but it never happened). So anyway, before I rejoined, I searched and found that Nick was still active on match. After my credit card info ran through, I was about to send him a message, but I decided to read the ones that were sitting in my inbox. One of them was from Nick. YES! “Hey stranger, what’ve you been up to?” he asked me. I couldn’t resist. “Looking for you, actually!” I responded. And with that, we discovered we both wanted another date and he seemed a little more in the moment about his follow through this time around.

 A couple days ago, we met for dinner and drinks. I had more butterflies in my tummy than I did the first time I met him. As we sat across from each other at the table, I noticed how pretty his eyes were—I didn’t catch that the first time. He’s cute. He’s real cute. Everything went well and we actually shared a kiss at the end of the night! It was good. It was real good. Before we left each other that night, we talked about a “next time.” Nick would be heading out of town so we tentatively set plans for the end of the week. Boston was down, and I thought he was out, but he’s surely making a comeback! 

Which. Is. Worse?

After a couple days back on match, I’ve read some interesting emails and profiles—some good, some bad. Here is one more TRP for your enjoyment, and the writing below that is an actual email I received (the poor fellow’s name has been changed).

FAIRFAX. RESIDENT 2011. (His headline. What does this even mean? And it already tells us in your profile where you’re from. This is what you’re using to attract women?)

ABOUT HIM & WHO HE'S LOOKING FOR

Down. to. earth. type. guy. am. youngest. of. 5. so. I had. an. interesting upbringing. was. raised. in. Tampa. bay. area. im. very. easy going polite and love to have good time when able. Relaxing. is. good as well Dont have all the answers for this just that I no theres always room. for happiness.

It’s hard to not read the above posting without stopping at every period. Well, maybe only good readers do that because we KNOW that when there’s a period, you have to pause for a breath. Let’s cut this guy some slack and say that his keyboard went crazy and inserted periods everywhere. He doesn’t mention anywhere, “Hey, technical difficulties, I swear I know how to type.”  Now, you’ve just had to stop reading just about every second. Take a deeeeep breath and read the one below…

I don't know how to start my conversation with you or how to tell you about my self but I will try 
My name is jim I am 6'2 brown eyes brown hair good looking man looking for a wonderful woman to enjoy life with it is very important to be able to communicate with and if you are the one I am looking for than you can ask me any thing and I will be more than happy to answer you with all my heart thank you for reading my letter yours jim

I know, is your heart pounding with anxiety that you thought you’d run out of breath? Jim says I can ask him anything. Should I be mean and ask him why he doesn’t know how to make complete sentences? There's always that chance that some guys like this are on match just to joke around and maybe see what happens if they pull stunts like this, but I don't know...reading some other things they had written just makes me think they honestly don't know any better. So sad. Maybe these two guys need to combine forces and they’ll come up with an appropriately sentenced writing. 

U Hve Gt 2 B Kding Meee

After so many dates and so many guys, it’s hard to not become a B-word about some things.  I’m still optimistic that someone’s out there for me, whether online or off, but my positive outlook doesn’t stop me from rolling my eyes, saying out loud to my computer, “Is this guy serious?” and then scrolling down further to see more of the carnage that is The Ridiculous Profile.  There have been many TRPs that I’ve come across.  Some guys write one sentence about themselves.  Other guys, it’s hard to explain, but their profile just annoys me.  They seem to be something they’re not—it’s like an inauthentic profile.  I just came across this gem and had to share it because well, it’s hysterical.  It’s also kind of sad and makes me hate my life a little because what I haven’t copied from his profile is his education and salary.  I’ll tell you right here.  He has a high school diploma (and that’s as high as it goes) and he makes at least $100,000.  I, after 5 years of college, have a bachelors, masters, and an endorsement to teach algebra, and I make a whopping $50,000.  Hmm, maybe I should’ve passed on extending my education and learned 2 type lke this awsum guy frm NY. And FL. And now MD.  Here’s his TRP…

NY 2 FL 2 MD so help meee... find my wifey.. (this was his headline, a real lady magnet, I know)

I am best described as Black N White, NO shades of Gray, u can expect me 2 be the same person all the time..... (ugh, really? I was hoping you’d be slightly different than this TMI guy you’ve presented here.)

I moved to Maryland from Florida with my x and it didnt work out so we seperated, i really dread going out 2 bars n clubs, sometimes you get lucky and meet good people but thats not often. i much rather do something social with a grl im seeing. i can be spontaneous and still have the ability to think a plan through. (are you sure you can plan? You can’t seem to find the Shift button to capitalize the beginnings of your sentences.  I’m slightly worried about your other abilities.)

i really enjoy showing people where im from and what im about. everything from my culture and my city i was born and raised in... still havent embraced Maryland as my home but it will grow on me...NY is so much more than a city or a state, its a state of mind...im a cancer so i can be sensative at times (uh oh, sensitive…I hope he doesn’t read this ever because he may have some issues then) but ill always listen... im super funny, sarcastic, stubborn with a twist (can be some what laid back, everyone should have their way once in awhile right? well maybe more than once ; ) )

Online dating is new to me but its worth a shot...if u find someone worth it

For Fun:

work...haaa...i go to the gym 6 days a week, dread cardio, but ooh well. deffinately go 2 as many games as possible, need 2 go when NY is in town. i like to drive up 2 ny as often as i can.

Favorite Hot Spots:

not sure yet,,,,, help pls. haa (How about a writing center? Or a school? Somewhere that you can learn to type correctly.)

Favorite Things:

all music but country,,, first 48,,,italian (i can cook it 2) well cause i am (omg, commas are not to be used as periods.   Learn the difference, fool!)

Last Read:

I read the news paper every day, from movies to books I hate fiction....thats y i read the news paper and watch stuff like 1st 48 and in session... (wow, looks like he finally realized he was hitting a wrong key.  I guess it was too much work to go back and edit his mistakes in the previous sections.)

Occupation:       Sales / Marketing            

                Im a internet manager at a car dlr ship, and it demands alot of my time, i have been in the industry for 13 yrs and i am sucessful enough and that opens doors for me 2 get away and leave early. id rather work then go 2 a bar tho. thats y im here... (mmm bars may not be so bad.  You might have more luck with spoken word rather than written word.)

Ethnicity:             White / Caucasian           

                100% Italian and can cook it. who wouldnt wanna have a guy cook 4 them? have a small but close family which is almost opposite in the Italian world... BIG famlies with alot of chaos. Still have a 3 bedroom hse with 2 friends in Florida that i visit (hse…house, right? This reminds me of some of my spelling-challenged students who write only the sounds or letters they hear.  I guess this guy’s one up on them because he put the “e” on the end. Awesome.)

Cracking codes is fun and all, but not when I’m reading a dating profile.  It’s profiles like this that tempt me to email them and tell them that they are an idiot if they think a girl will respond positively when they have something written as they do.  My only fear is that they will tell me that they have actually gone out on dates with girls they’ve met from match.  I guess I may be looking for someone who believes in usage of all letters on the keyboard, but there are other girls who enjoy deciphering emails.  TRPs annoyingly take up good online dating space, but there’s no filter on match for these so that’s why it’s important not to just look at the pictures but to recognize a TRP and stay away!